27 And Counting (Adult Katsuki Bakugou MHA)

24. How Do I Protect Myself From Myself?

Here he was.

A crying mess of 15-years old Bakugou Katsuki sobbing into an overused pillow. Poor object, changed from a weapon of mass destruction to a free therapist in a span of two minutes.

- Bakugou, don't cry, please, don't cry... It's not worth it. It's over. I won't do it ever again.... Don't you see it? Look at me, Bakugou, I will never hurt anyone again, look at me, baby...

Bakugou frowned at the last word. He didn't know why Katsuki called him that. Normally, he would love it, a feeling of affection poured at his heart. But, at that very moment, it made him sick.
There was Katsuki Bakugou, 27-years-old ex-pro-hero, crouching next to the teen and trying to comfort him. To protect him from the monster living inside both. There were no words that could ever picture how heartbroken, how hurt and how incredibly vulnerable both felt.

In normal circumstances, K.B. would do everything to protect himself or his dearests from whoever dared hurting them, be it a toxic friend or a villain. In this situation, he was the villain.

Kat didn't need to share details of his toxic behaviour with the teenager. How did he hurt Kiri, where did he beat him, how many times... insignificant details in front of the never-ending guilt and immense shame eating Kat alive.

Earlier, Katsuki used to think there was always a reason for his uncontrollable outbursts.

His work was extremely stressful - but so was Kirishima's, and yet Red Riot had never laid his hand on his husband.

He wasn't allowed to adopt - what kind of a father would he be if he kept repeating this pattern in front of a kid? It's true that he felt very frustrated by the social injustice but he had no right to vent by hitting Kirishima's back that time.

Kiri got hit in his head because he did something stupid - didn't Kat do stupid things too?

- Why didn't he leave you straight away? - Bakugou finally managed to put a sentence together.

Kat was a little bit surprised by this question.

- Well... I'm not really sure, I think he loved me... Or believed my lies... Yes, it must have been it. He must have believed when I lied that it was because of my work-related stress. Or because of that stupid journalist who asked me about the adoption processes in the TV show. In front of everyone... After they didn't let me attend the funeral... At that moment... I just... I think I believed in my own lies too. That's why I was so surprised when I came home one day to find all my things packed neatly, waiting in the corridor. I hated him and wanted to kill him but... Looking at it now, it was the best thing he could do. I respect him so much for that... And couldn't be more grateful, too. After all, I promised to protect him. Meaning, as long as we're apart, I'm protecting him. From myself.

- But you still want him to come back...

- Hahaha... - Katsuki's unexpected laugh was raspy, scary. Reviving his past mistakes, unforgivable mistakes in front of his younger self, was soul-crushing. Messing with his head.

- Bakugou, it's been over two years since we got divorced, and I have never stopped wanting him back... I realised all my bad, I realised how fucked-up I was and how much I hurt him... I would do anything to get him back, and when I say anything I mean it, but... At the same time... As much as I'm longing for him and will never be happy again, I can't trust myself enough... What if he comes back and I fuck up again?

The last question was barely audible.

Katsuki looked scared. Of himself.

- Did you... Did you ... You know, abuse him, uh... umm... Often?

Katsuki flinched at this question. What was the point? Did it even matter? To disrespect and abuse one's partner, whether it's once or a hundred times, it is the worst one could do.
Was Bakugou trying to measure his monstrosity?
Trying to humiliate the older self?

- I don't... I don't remember... Ten times, for sure. After that lady died... After my boss blamed me for it... After my dad... You know... And then after his funeral... And then once I was just angry... Why are you even asking me this? Don't you think I'm suffering enough right now?

Moment of silence. Quiet sobs from both parts of the room.

- No, I think you should suffer more than this. - Bakugou sighed deeply. - You should rot in prison... Why aren't you in prison? You should die!!!

- ...

- ...

- I know. I should die. I'm so bad at living but, apparently, I'm shit at dying too.

Bakugou couldn't possibly unwrap these words, understand a delicate hint of the fact that Katsuki indeed did try to die but didn't succeed.

Yet, Kat would attempt suicide once again, rather than touching this subject in front of the teen, so he did a mental note of keeping this part of his painful history to himself when talking.

- Why aren't you in prison? You should be sentenced for domestic abuse. Why don't you...

- Come on man, you know Kiri, the best fucking hero on the planet. I'm not rotting in hell because of him.

Bakugou noticed that Katsuki said 'because of', not 'thanks to'.
If Kat went to prison, he could atone for his crimes. Not in an elegant way, but he could get a closure, and after a couple of years sentence, a fresh start. In the current state, he seemed to be trapped in a never-ending limbo of guilt and shame, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

- Being a good citizen he is, he should report...

- For whose sake? Uh? - Katsuki buried his head between his knees, not caring how difficult it would be for Bakugou to understand him speaking. - He took the hit for... For society...

'What would people think of the heroes that are supposed to protect them? How would people feel knowing there's no difference between the heroes and the villains? Who would bring them hope in moments of crisis? Who would kids trust and aspire to become? If Number Three Hero turned into a villain... Wouldn't chaos lay upon us all?'

These were some of the last words Kiri said to me. I hate it so much that he's right... I wish I could turn myself in, put fucking handcuffs on my wrists, get my price for hurting the best person in the world... But Kiri is right. I would only cause more harm to everyone. He didn't want that, so...

Moment of silence.

- Does anyone know? Any of our friends? Family? Mina? Sero? Anyone?

Kat frowned brows, trying to come back to reality.

- No, I don't think so... He said he's never mentioned that to anyone, any friend, ever. He said he understood how toxic our relationship was when he saw a dad hitting a girl in a playground. He victim-blamed her for being too loud when he was having a bad day. Then it clicked in Kiri's mind. That's what I was having too. Bad days...

Bakugou moved closer and gently patted Kat's back.

Yes, the old one is a monster. They both are. And both should rot in hell. And both should atone for their crimes and get a second chance of showing to the world that they have changed.

Bakugou promised himself he would do everything in his power to help Kat prove to the world that he has changed.