left myself at home

chapter thirteen: cant kiss

I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET claire in the parking lot ten minutes ago, but i'm late. i speed walk through the halls, not many people are around as it's 7PM on a friday evening.

i jolt through the corridors and head to the front entrance; the quickest way. i turn the corner to the front office when i collide with another person.

"shit!" i'm on the ground and there's a sudden throb in my hid.

"god, i am so sorry." says a boy above me.

only one of us is on the ground. of course it happens to be me.

the boy holds out his hand in front of my eyes as i rub my head. i remove my palm from my head and take it, standing up to immediately put it back to my pain.

"kyle..." i say. shit.

"val, i've been looking for you, we haven't talked in a while."

i mean i guess we haven't been super social, but it's not like it was on purpose. i've been pretty focused on sofia, claire, and my grades, not excluding kyle purposely.

"oh. well i have to run—"

"wait!"

kyle pulls my hand back as i walk past him, stopping me from getting to claire's car.

"do you think we could talk?" kyle practically promptly says.

do i want to talk to him? no.
should i talk to him? probably not.
and what do i answer?

"sure." and we walk outside and sit on the school steps.

the breeze blows through my hair as i sit, and my head doesn't hurt as bad anymore, but my stomach starts to churn at the anticipation for whatever is going to happen.

"obviously we haven't talked in a while, but i wanted to tell you something.".

this is not going well...

"i like you."

i'm internally screaming, but not in the oh my gosh a boy likes me i like him too! type of way but rather a what am i going to do this is horrible i don't want to do this type of way.

i say nothing but let out a sigh, figuring out what to do next.

"is that—"

"i'm a lesbian." i quickly proclaim, turning to meet his face.

"kyle." i finish with his name, but i think that makes it harder for him. his eyes are wide and lips slightly open.

"oh." he says, green eyes still open wide.

"i'm sorry..." i say, but i know i'm not.

"no i'm not, actually. i'm not sorry for who i am. i feel like i should be sorry, but i'm not. so i do not like you back." it comes out as emotionless, but it gets the job done.

"okay, yeah that's okay." kyle calmly responds, seeming genuine.

i look to his eyes, those big emeralds, and smile at him. he is a nice guy, i just don't like the guy part.

my phone suddenly rings, and it faces up in between me and kyle. i quickly look to kyle, but i'm afraid he's already put together the pieces.

"i have to go." i abruptly say.

i get up, not looking back but knowing that kyle knows what i'm doing. though i think i trust him enough not to say a word.

"where have you been?" claire says as i get into her car.
"are you okay?" comes out of her mouth as she notices my worried expression.

"i just came out to kyle." i tell her.

"you...? kyle???" she asks, probably thinking about how if i were to tell anyone why would it be kyle.

"that kinda makes me want to ask, what are you? or do you know or...?" i ask claire, since my answer has already been announced.

she sighs, putting her hands on the steering wheel. i can tell she's struggling.

"i'm lesbian, i think. it's just been so hard, like i don't hate that i'm one, i'm quite happy frankly, just—"
"it can be difficult, i get it. it's like that for me, being lesbian." i finish her sentence.

she looks at me and smiles.

"i'm glad we're having this conversation, and that you love who you are, because i certainly do." i take her hand and stare into her auburn eyes. i see water forming in them, something i've grown to learn so well.

"why don't we get out of here." i propose, still in the student parking lot. she nods, signaling the movement of the car and into the night.