left myself at home

chapter twenty four: salut sofia

THE MINUTE I STEP into the dorm i know everything's different. i sense sofia in the bathroom so i avoid it all costs—even when i haven't peed since the airport. and i'd rather not ruin anything even more–

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

a knock comes from the bathroom, followed by a voice saying:

"val?" shit.
"hey." sofia says as she opens the bathroom door.

"hi." i hastily say back, incredibly anxious for this next conversation.

"that was not how i wanted to tell you how i felt, like at all." she begins.
"after i didn't think anything was happening with kyle." pauses fill the air as she orchestrates her words before they come out.
"i thought, maybe i had a chance. but then i started realizing something shifted, even when i barely knew you." i walk closer towards her and hope the unsteadiness dissolves as i do.
"then i put the pieces together, and knew it was claire who had the chance. not me." she says the last two words much quieter than the rest of the sentence.

"i'm sorry sofia, i knew you'd be mad but i just had no idea you felt that way."

"i know. i didn't make it the most obvious, especially since i was already suspicious you had your secrets." sofia explains.

"i'm really sorry—"

"val, i don't know if i could be friends with you again. i want to, but i don't know if i can." sofias words sting badly, but i understand her pain.
"we can be roommates though, i'd still like that."

"i'd like that too." i offer a smile in which she tries to return. she comes in for a hug, which i'm a bit surprised for, but nonetheless i hold her for what feels like 1 second before she pulls away and smiles at me again. thoughts pulse through my mind, but quieter this time,

did i really just lose my best friend?
i cant believe sofia was in love with me.
is it better this way?
did i ever like sofia?
does sofia still like me?
she was a good friend.

and i try to ignore them.

"i just have one question...?" i ask sofia before she backs into the doorway of the bathroom.

"yeah what's up?" she says after wiping a small tear from her eye. she's definitely still in love with me.

"what do kris and everyone know—or think happened?" i'm very interested: and confused.

"i told them you were seeing claire. and that's it..." she sounds guilty, like she left out an important detail. and she did.

"oh." i uncomfortably slide my tongue around my mouth as sofia studies what she should have done.

"do you want me to—tell them i like you?" like. my suspicions were correct.

"no." i instantly react. i don't want sofia to do anything she doesn't want to, especially after the mess has already been made.
"not unless–if you do, do it on your own terms. i don't want to force you to do anything. i definitely fucked up more than you could ever, so." i apologize over and over again.
"but if you do, i think they'd be understanding. you picked really good friends, y'know." i smile at her and remember all the good times i had with them.

i feel like boston was the first time i've ever really had a close friend group. i've had friends—sometimes. but this time was different. and different in a good way.

"so i'll see you around." i say as the conversation comes to a close.

"yeah." sofia softly smiles.
"you will."