left myself at home

chapter twenty one: very nice affect

JULES MOST RECENT WORDS sting my ears.

"uh, yeah, i don't know how long though."

"great, can i see you tomorrow?" she says, moving quickly and to the point.

"wha—yeah. yeah." i stumble over my words as this moment finally happens. everything's been leading up to this confirmation for the past few months, and now that it's happening; it's insane.

"okay, i'll be around at la cave at noon tomorrow, feel free to come." she invites, not demands. it's a casual thing—at least in the way that she said it. though in the grand scheme of things this is actually a big spot in the timeline.

"i'll be there. seeya." and i hang up, still processing the entire situation. then even more comes back to me. la cave is the bar; the one we went to right before the accident.

i then realize throughout that whole conversation she never asked who i was. i mean of course she knew, but that's the most painful part.

more and more keeps coming back to me, continuously punching me as i sit on the bed in the hotel room.

my mom is on the bed beside me, looking asleep.

"who was that?" i hear her ask, guess she's awake.

"oh uh, it was jules." i admit. she sits up at the mention of jules name.

"oh. what did she say?" she questions.

"well now i know she's alive, but she asked me to meet her tomorrow." i answer.

"are you going to?" my mom asks.

"yeah, i—i am." i respond.

it's quiet for a few moments, like a void has opened up and consumed the noise. then i ask:

"did you know?"

i see my moms brain working; gears grinding in her mind. i have my answer.

"you knew. and you didn't fucking—"

i begin to raise my voice, but my mom stops me:

"valeria," her controlled words say.
"i didn't want to hurt you more. i knew—uhm i knew..." she pauses.
"i knew you cared very deeply about her."

"she was my best friend." i say in a array of anger, sadness, and confusion.

"but i knew you wanted to be more." my mom admits. i bite the inside of my cheek.

"i heard you—you too. the night before the accident. there was crashing in your room, i thought something was wrong so i went over, but then i realized why there was so much noise, and i heard moaning—"

"oh my god mom, stop." this is getting embarrassing.

"but, i also heard your words to her; to each other." i begin to recall what we said.

(FLASHBACK)

"oh my god, french people are so rude." jules says as she closes the door to my bedroom.

"you are a french person." i joke back.

"i've lived here for like 3 years, and still go the stupid english school." jules adds. we went to a school for international students, and are placed in classes that involve english-speaking curriculum.

"eh, i guess you're right." i laugh off as we dawdle around my bedroom.

"the only thing that made it better was when you came." she states, comforting me although that wasn't her intent.

"didn't realize i had that much of an effect on you." i smile at her. it's late, probably around 9 or 10.

"it's a very nice effect—actually." i'm standing in front of my window and jules is on the opposite side of my bed. i make my way over to my bed and sit down, still facing her. she sits with her knees touching the bed.

"how nice?" i question; teasing her.

"this nice." she moves my hair from the side of my shoulder to the back of my body.

she leans in, touching my lips. it's soft, nice, comforting.

then, it goes further. we move around the room, crashing my clock onto the floor, but it leaves us laughing. i'm backed against my door, leaving a slight slam but i go unharmed. we break into a laugh.

"you know this is why i fucking love you." jules states. i already knew this, but the satisfaction of hearing it makes me ecstatic. i bite my lip at her words, drawing me in every passing second.

(RETURN TO PRESENT)

that moment must have been what my mother heard. our closed off confessions were streamed through the cracks of my door, though it's as protected as it was embarrassing. i trust my mom, i guess.

"i can see her though, right?" i feel the water building up in my eyes as the realization of what tomorrow holds comprehends in my mind.

"of course." my mom whispers. the welling tears dribble down as i put my arms around my mother, finally feeling like she is my mom.