left myself at home

chapter twenty two: touch and go

I APPROACH la cave and i'm instantly reminded of my most recent time here.

the place has a bar, but it's also a restaurant. i step up to the entryway and prepare myself for what's to come.

"avez-vous une réservation?" (do you have a reservation) the restaurant reception says, in french.

"oui, pour jules, ou molina." i say, assuming jules got a reservation.

"ah, parfait. viens avec-moi." (perfect, come with me.) i follow the girl to the outside area of the restaurant and sit at a lonesome table. now time to wait.

i sit at the table for about 4 minutes before i see a figure moving in the direction of my table. im completely in shock as a girl in a wheel chair comes toward the table, holding jules in its arms.

i look away to the left and try to blink back my tears.

i put my best friend in a wheelchair.

the depressing thoughts pulse through my mind and regret clouds my judgement.

"hi." i try to croak out. jules looks back and smiles, i can sense she's emotional but tough, she always was.

"hey." she says back.

"i did that?" words spill out of my mouth like vomit.

"you didn't do anything. we both made mistakes, we both paid the price." she tries to comfort me, but i don't know how well it could work.

"i put you in a fucking wheel chair!" i say a bit louder than i have wished. i sit back in my seat in embarrassment.

"how am i paying the price." i reel myself back in, now being much quieter.

"we had to be apart. i don't know how it felt for you, but it hurt. a lot, for me." she says.

i simply stare at her trying not to let the water forming in my eyes escape.

"it fucking killed me." i swallow my pain until it's just a lump in the back of my throat. my hand lays lifeless on the cafe table. i feel fingertips touch it; jules.

"look, i meant everything i said that night. the night before..." her voice trails off and my thoughts finish her words.

"i still want to love you, and i still do. i don't know how long you'll be here, or what's gonna happen but—"

"i have a girlfriend." i blurt out, immediately regretting it. i see jules' face drop and analyze every past moment since she came into the restaurant.

"oh." the silence between us is filled by the conversation of other customers and buzz from the street, but it's apparent that our words are only being thought in the space of our differing minds. at least now, very differing.

"i loved you, jules. i still do but, but this girl." i pause.
"this girl, she's something else. i never planned on loving her. trust me loving her is so much more complicated than hating her." i try to explain.
"but now that i love her, it'll never go away. and i will eventually need to get back to her."

i need to get back to her.

jules is silent, still making the same expression she previously was. i'm about to cry, about to burst into tears that will flood the seine and could probably reach the top of the eiffel tower.

"i'm really sorry." i try to say.

"no." jules says, leaving me in confusion.

"no...what?" i respond.

"you shouldn't be sorry for who you love, valeria." she says my name—just like she used to.
"i get it! you thought, i was gone. you moved on,"

"no i did not!" i defend.

"and it's okay, val. it's okay. if you love another girl, or another person, i'm simply glad you're able to love." she comforts me finally.
"i just want you to be happy. whether it's with me or not." her words make me confront the truth; i moved on from jules. i love someone else now. someone i need to get back to.

"i'm always gonna love you jules, okay?" i say a bit quietly. i walk over and hug her, one last touch and go.

i step out of the restaurant, leaving jules once again. this time, i know what i'm stepping into, and stepping out of. and i just pray that i'm doing it in the right manner.