left myself at home

chapter thirty one: all eyes on me

I PUSH THROUGH to the inside hallway and subconsciously walk to the cafeteria. i need to find claire, so i firstly find her friends. except when i do, i'm greeted by many eyes. or practically–all eyes.

what the fuck? people are either looking at me or their phones.

"val?" i hear softly from behind me. sofia stands with the group of 4 who all have their phones out. she puts her screen to my direction and i see a parking lot view of mine and riley's interaction. it's a snapchat video with the caption "SOUND ON" and seems to start when i was saying "thirsting after my girlfriend?" that's one of the words you can make out, along with claire's name. the worst part though is that you hear riley stating that i paralyzed jules.

"oh shit." i say outside. i would have to guess in the thirty seconds that i was walking from outside to here someone anonymously airdropped that interaction to anyone in the building. and now people not only know about claire and i, but also are googling whatever intel they can about "paris teens car crash leaving one paralyzed" or some variation of that.

this is not good. but if everything's going to shit i might as well come clean. i'm not running away anymore, fleeing from country to state or wherever, whether it has to do with a girl or a mistake or not. i'm facing this.

"okay if i could have everyone's attention please!" i say, beginning to regret it as it leaves my mouth. but i continue. i step onto the nearest lunch table to increase my radius.

"so i know, everyone's seeing that video right now, with riley and i. and i also know everyone's looking up what i did, and why i came here in the first place." embarrassment stings my cheeks.

"so—yeah i crashed a car that paralyzed my girlfriend when i lived in paris. and i know, how bad i fucked up. so whatever name you want to call me or judgement you want to make trust me i've either already heard it or have made it myself. and thirdly i think everyone's figuring out that something happened between me and another person and maybe another person and that person..." i feel so fucking stupid standing up here right now. i see kyle and daniel sitting, and catch a quick smile of sympathy from kyle. i continue.

"i've hid so much about myself that every strip away from who i am seems to bring me closer and closer to running away again. but getting up here right now—it makes me feel two things. one: it makes me embarrassed and like once i exit this room i'll be on my next flight out of here. and two: that i'm transparent about who i am and will be looking for someone as soon as it's possible."

"the second one!" i hear someone call out. it's kris, and sofia follows along with a "yeah go get her!" this is so fucking corny.

but i still laugh, as more people call to me to go, and not in a hateful way.

i lay out my decisions, and decide to do whatever i can to find her; to find claire.