left myself at home

chapter twenth seven: still my home?

OUR CLOSE PROXIMITY becomes more stiff as i watch claire's gaze. i think she notices me lose interest as i move away a bit, still holding onto her.

"hey you good?" she asks, finally looking back at me.

"uh yeah just, uh can we talk? outside?" i ask her. she nods and walks out the entrance, a quick nod to riley–who luckily doesn't follow us out.

the boston air bites me as i step outside. drunk or high or all of the above girls dance past us walking out or into the building. it's almost 10 now as we first came a bit later, and i walk towards a bright street light to catch her face in good lighting—one of my favorite sights even in a moment like this.

"what's up?" she says to me as my position stiffened.

"so, so like..." i stumble upon my words.
"are we good? like is everything..." i can see her face express confusion.

"uh, uh yeah? why wouldn't we be?" she seems lost, like genuinely. but i've always started this fire of a conversation–i have to break the question.

"i don't know, it's just like, you're seeming so secretive, and im kinda done with that. like after sofia and whoever knows it doesn't really matter to me." i explain in a light manner.

"well it matters to me." she harshly bites, but i can't completely say that was unprompted.

"does riley like you?" i break out to match her energy. she immediately rolls her eyes, scoffing, and slightly turns away.

"oh, oh so she does. there's my answer." i'm angry, acting out of anger and intrusive thoughts. but i can't stop.

"why do you care?" she asks defensively.

"are you seriously asking that, why do i care? because i fucking love you claire! and i thought you felt the same way!" i say louder than i would have liked.

"of course i!—" she says loud as well before stopping to contain herself.
"of course i do." i wait for a 'but' or anything to trail on her claim, but nothing. instead she just looks sad as she turns around and walks towards her car. riley walks out right as claire starts, asking her "what's wrong?" which she responds, "nothing, we're just leaving."

i follow into the car, completely silent. the music wasn't on, and no one said a word. i didn't look at claire or riley, only at the window at the boston lights. i think about my parents, how they're doing in paris. maybe i should have stayed, maybe i should have ran off to another foreign place. i thought claire was my home, but maybe she has another roommate.