left myself at home

chapter nineteen: goodbye boston.

MY JAW IS LEFT on the floor in my realization that the worst has seemed to happen. and it's all thanks to mr and mrs rose.

i wanted time, i needed time! to sort everything out, but then this just all unfolds? right when i'm not even here.

"actually sweetie we were just about to head out." my mom says, switching sides to the outside of sofia's door.

"you're already leaving?" i hear my voice crack as everything has fallen.

"you didn't show up, we spent the day alone." she says. my fathers stuck on the phone, not speaking any words to me as they exit down the B wing hallway.

once i finish grieving the loss of my parents, i'm instantly reminded of the true issue at hand; sofia.

she clears her throat, demanding my attention.

"why don't we talk inside." she says like a statement, not a suggestion.

i comply in silence, letting her close the door shut behind me. i guiltily sit on her bed, but she doesn't join me. rather she stands in front of me with the greatest poker face ive ever seen. but i would be mad. i would be furious. she has no idea what happened between her and claire—but i do. which is weird.

"how long." there goes that statement-not-a-question thing again.

"PSAT day. but practically every day since, i've been with her." i spit out. i hope she sees every bit of truth. if i've been caught, there's no point in lying any further.

she drops her jaw around the room, and i can see almost tears welling in her eyes. ouch.

"and how did it even–" sofia pauses her sentence.

"she invited me. to her house. beach house." i keep correcting my facts.

"her grandmas actually, her grandmas beach house. then she kissed me on the ride back." i know there's tears forming in my own eyes too.
"and i let her. i let her kiss me. and soon, i kissed back." my voice grows quieter now as my tears grow larger.
"i never wanted to hurt you. i never wanted to hurt anyone. i never wanted to hurt my mom, or kris or kyle or anyone." i apologize, i confess, i cry.
"i never wanted to hurt jules." i continue on, guilt pushing onto me and squirming every word out.
"but i did." i hysterically cry.
"really badly." i cant label how horrible of a mistake this is. well in sofia's eyes.

"yeah." that's all sofia says.
"yeah you did." this hurts even worse.
"my ex best friend?—"

"you know why she left you?" i cut her off, now standing in front of her, no longer on the bed.
"because she loved you." my voice goes back to growing quieter.
"and she was scared, and wasn't ready. she thought the only way to get rid of loving you was by hating you. but that didn't work, not in the way she wanted." i explain.

"did you?" she says, confusing me now.
"did you love me?" she asks leaving my eyebrows furrowed.

"sofia—" i'm cut off by her lips touching mine, instantly backing myself away.

i exit out of the room not completely processing what happened. i walk straight out into the parking lot, beginning to run and run and run. i run until i find a gray honda in the guest parking lot, and rush to open the door.

"what are you—" my mother says. she pauses her sentence though as she spots my tears pulsing down my face.

i hear them asking me questions, but my tears block out the noise and all i do is nod in sadness. they drive for an hour, maybe two.

we find parking...somewhere, and my parents begin to get out of the car. i find myself in a parking garage, my parents pulling suitcases out of the trunk.

"mommy?" i ask. i'm so vulnerable at this point, i'm crawling back into who i used to be. and i feel it.

"mhm?" she says as she pulls a backpack out from the trunk of the car.

"where are we going?" my tears are getting drier as i'm in the fresh air now.

she walks two feet towards me and places her right hand on my shoulder. she has a light brunette hair and eyes just like mine. i've never deeply connected with her, ever. but in this moment i feel like she's not a mother, but my mom.

"your father and i were planning to tell you today, we're going back to paris."

whoa

i should be reacting big—booming with some type of expression. but all i say is:

"okay." and hold her hand while he walk into the airport.

i'm quiet the whole time. i don't say a word except for a "mhm." and another "okay."

this is the first time we've gone somewhere and returned later. i don't know what's happening and what this means for sofia and i, for claire and i, for boston and i, but i'm putting that on pause.

the 7 hour flight gives me a night of rest. i listen to countless albums through my moms headphones, trying to cope as quiet as i can on the plane full of people.

i fucked up really badly.

after jules, i left her. not willingly—but i left her. this time is willingly leaving. is that bad? i think it might be bad. but there's not many choices i have right now as i cover the atlantic with my inaudible sobs.