left myself at home

chapter twenty five: i guess not

A TEXT LIGHTS UP MY PHONE on my nightstand and i turn to find a text from claire.

did u talk to sofia yet?
yeah
it actually went like good tho ??
o
that's good then
still friends orrrrr
i mean ig but like
probs not as close
🤷‍♀️

my conversation with claire came to a stop as she didn't text back the final time. i normally don't like to pry, but i miss her and im bored on a thursday afternoon.

r u busy rn

i send it and wait a few seconds before seeing bubbles with claire texting back. they disappear, then come back. then disappear, then come back.

kinda i'm eating late lunch lol
but want to hang in my car later?

i don't like the idea of hiding with claire after everything seem to have gone exposed, but it's time with her regardless.

sure what time
prolly like 6
3 knocks on ur door😉

i wait out the time to see claire by making up school work and doing a face mask. my room smells like a bath and body works with the 3 candles i'm burning. i feel clean; like a new me. but sadly i feel as though i've repeated this cycle too many times, and it's not as fresh and unfamiliar. but i don't feel the direct linger of guilt through me anymore. why should i?

claire and i aren't exactly a secret anymore. and although some people may disapprove, i don't. and that's what matters. i frolic through my bedsheets awaiting some knock. time passes, and it's finally 6:00 on the dot. i don't hear any knocks, but it's only the first minute, right? i continue to wait until it's a quarter past 6, and i'm left with no outside calling. i try to remain patient, until it's 6:30 and i'm getting more anxious. i pick up my phone to text claire, but second guess myself and decide to put it down and wait some more.

i turn to my digital clock that reads 6:47. typically when people say 'see you at 6!' they mean around 5:45-6:15, right? not like...6:51 or 6:58. which it is now. i anticipated having dinner with claire, so i'm a bit hungry and getting restless. finally at 7:24, i yank open my door to grab something; anything to eat. but when i do, i'm practically almost hit by someone's fist.

"val! hey!" claire says two feet away from me as i almost collided directly with her.

"uhm, hey. i was just gonna grab dinner." i explain. she seems oddly happy, and that's weird. doesn't look like she was in a rush at all.

"oh, that's cool. i was just having some, but—"

"no, it's okay. we can go now." i cut her off because i notice her eyes trailing ahead to a raven haired girl now about 20 feet ahead of us, nearing the lobby.

"'kay perfect. oh and can we go out the side way? i saw sav and raquelle hanging around the vending machines in the lobby." oh. we're still doing that, hiding. whatever. i'll try to push through it for her.

"sure, whatever." i mumble the last word but head out the dormitory door to the side exit into the student parking lot. like pretty much any time i'm getting into claire's car, the vehicle is parked in the very back, closest to the trees that hover around the lot.

claire happily sighs as she steps into the front seat, and then turns to me and says:

"i was thinking...thanksgiving break is coming up, and my parents won't be there after thursday, so—"

"why does it matter?" i impulsively cut off claire.

"what?" she asks in confusion.

"if your parents are there, why does it matter that they're there or not." i await claire's response as she calculates what to say.

"well it's just a hard situation i don't want to come out to them like, right now."

"but i could just be a friend? you don't have to tell them i'm your girlfriend." i explain. i don't ask of much, just getting tired of every single avoidance. but at my last sentence i feel a shift in claire's posture and overall ambiance in the car.

"wait, girlfriend?" she says as she's taken back by my words. that's what i assumed we were, since y'know we've said we loved each other, like a few times at least.

"isn't that what we are? girlfriends?" i try to be more calm with my words now. claire looks confused, and hurt. i don't completely understand why, which is unusual for us.

"i didn't realize it was like, an official thing. it's not—an official thing i thought." she awkwardly laughs in efforts to relief our tension. but it doesn't work.

"oh. i guess not." i turn in the car seat to face the school, away from claire.
"i'm just kind of done with being a secret." i mumble under my breath. i know claire hears it, but she chooses to ignore it and instead asks;

"well do you still want to come? i'd want you there." claire once again tries to be light with her words.

"i don't know." my tone is harsh, much harsher than i'd like. i just truly thought claire and i were everything—'official,' as she claimed. but i guess not.
"i still don't know my family's plan that week. i got to go. bye." and i leave the car. and don't look back at claire. i head for the side entrance to the school and hastily push through the doors. when i do, i'm almost bombarded by a body colliding with mine. it seems as though they were waiting right inside the door, having a clear vision of claire and i in the car.

"sorry." the dark haired girl says to me. i don't directly look at her, instead i walk straight ahead. but i know who it fucking is. riley ruelas.