Zehnaseeb ✓

t h i r t y - s e v e n

[You can't enjoy this one, whoops.]

—  S A W E R A  —

I pull the cannula off, move out of bed and refuse the nurse's help when she offers it. Bhai comes and helps me out, not uttering a single word.

God, I hate this. I hate the way they're all suddenly showing they care.

It's not that. I did not do it for their fucking attention.

The nurse scolds me for taking the iv drip off so harshly and I wonder about all the scars my body has at this point.

I look to the washroom and there's no door, there's a fucking curtain.

I'm about to give up when I thank God for having that at least, and pray there's a window.

I get in and there is one. But it's locked.

Despite the fury, I look in the drawers.

"May I help you, Mrs. Khan?"

"Yes," I say, then realise I can't ask for a blade from a nurse, "No,"

The fuck did that Mrs. even mean?

Forced Mrs.

The blade thing didn't even work. I got a stupid scar and most probably some stitches below that bandage.

"What are you looking for, Mrs. Khan?"

I turn around, "Can you—" It's going to come out rude, she doesn't deserve it.

She does, "Leave."

She doesn't move. I look at her.

"Mrs. Khan, I'm here to help—"

"—Stop calling me that and leave right fucking now. The windows are locked, there's no blade in the drawers, I can't harm myself with anything. I don't need your fake concerns, leave."

I try to look for something to break the window with.

"I said leave!" I yell,

Didn't even let a fucking door so I could dehydrate myself to death.

I don't know and I don't care if she leaves or not at this point.

I throw the brushes, the combs, the toothbrush holder around but they are all plastics and don't make enough noise to satisfy my inner feelings.

I look in the cabinets and they're all empty.

I just want a simple and easy death.

The only way to die now is hitting my head on the wall.

"Sawera?" I hear my brother after hitting it once.

I realize this is very loud and slow.

I compose myself and get out to let him know I wasn't doing any stupidity.

Maybe then they'll trust me enough and let me out of the hospital.

"When can we leave?" I ask him and I'm sure he doesn't even want to take me with him.

For fuck's sake, if I am such a big burden then let me end myself, how are they not okay with any of the alternatives?

It's all my parents' mistake for having started with this shit. Why would they give birth to me when they didn't like each other?

It's all my father's mistake for stopping mama from aborting me.

Even though he didn't want a daughter. It's so against his culture. It makes him an inferior man.