t w e n t y - o n e

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[When I update, I update five chapters in two days, and when I don't, I die for a month and don't even reply to the comments.

I get in the apartment and go to the guestroom she lived in for all these months.

I see the journal Dr. Samina told me about. I take it to the study.


At first I just flip through the pages and notice how she uses two page spreads for everything after the first page, but right after flipping twice I realise I'm making the same mistake.

This time, I'll pay attention to everything. The slightest of the details.

The first page has her full name and phone number.

The second has some keys related to tasks and events.


I watch her beautiful doodles on the cover spread. There's a small dinner table with two people sitting on it, she has the names above. Azaan and Sawera.

I flip the page.

Calorie Tracker

The calories tracker is crossed out and I smile at the small angry note saying; I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRACK THIS!!

I can hear her voice in it.

I flip the page.


There are a bunch of plates and every plate has a number; which I suppose is the date. They are all coloured.

I watch the color legend.

Mahogany Red - big smiley

Blood Red - smiley

Crimson Red - stable

Rose Red - sad

Blush Red - crying face

The whole month is full of Mahogany and there are three or four days of Blood Red.

Every month has different colours. More than half of April is full of Dark Green; big smiley. But 18th has the lightest shade of green; crying face.

I look at how her mood alternates between stable, sad and crying face in the whole of May, June and July. There are only four smileys in the total of all these three months.

August only has sad and crying days. September has three big smiley days in the middle and consecutively two sad days, but the rest are all crying days. October -which started last week- has an edition of a sixth colour that represents 'a lot of crying'. And it only has that a lot of crying colour except yesterday. Yesterday has the big smiley colour.

I think of yesterday. It was a really bad day. I thought she was upset.

Woah. I wonder that if that's what a good day looks like, then what does an a lot of crying day look like?

I get up and go to my room.

I open the door and see her sitting on the bed, hugging her knees and crying rivers.

Zehnaseeb ✓Where stories live. Discover now