f o u r t e e n

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I decide to pray Fajr here and he doesn't check up on me. He lets me and doesn't mind when I sleep here after Fajr till 8AM.

I wake up, and brush my teeth, then slowly walk to Azaan's room and see him asleep. I take my gym bag and tiptoe out of the apartment.


When I get inside, I watch him sleeping on his stomach with his bare back up for display; the duvet reaches only to hide his boxers, and I can't help but gawk at his well-built back.

Of course, no one who's this conscious about their body would like to have a fat wife. I can't blame him about Kylie.

I go back to my room, put the gym bag down and go to take a shower. I damp my hair and put on a bathrobe, then travel to his room and silently shift half of my clothes to my room.

I go to Azaan's room and I want to kiss him a good morning but I hate that he doesn't even like me and I'm forcing myself on him.

I push the duvet up till his thick shoulder blades and kiss his hair.

And I so want to kiss his neck but suddenly a new fear gets planted like a seed in my head. What if he moans Kylie? What if, someday, he moans her name?

He can have an excuse for everything and I believe in them just to feel better and keep a hope lighted, but what if I hear him saying I love you, Kylie? Or anthing bad about me in his sleep?

He does mumble incomprehensible words. What if... he has actually said that... already?

I wince at the thought and run outside.

I plomp on the sofa, feeling my head pounding and my heart racing.

God, please don't let that happen. I know, there seems to be only one percent of chance that he might not be lying, but percentage doesn't matter to You. You can do anything. Please, let me be wrong. Let all his lies become true and all these logical thoughts of mine just be stupid assumptions.

My mind takes me back to all the parties I've gone to, -and although there were only a few- all the gorgeous, single and rich businesswomen appear flashing. They all were smarter, thinner, and two of them were also his old friends from University. I'm sure he has a better understanding with them.

Let alone understanding each other, Azaan and I barely understand each other's likes and dislikes. The other night, when I didn't know that he was in love with Kylie, and when none of this had happened, I went to his office, tired of waiting for him in the room. I went and sat next to him while he typed a few emails.

And when I started explaining him my day, how I went shopping with my friends, and I bought a watch that I saw a model wearing, and my friends insisted on going to this new ice cream stall near Samia's flat and they bought mint ice cream for all of them but I hate the taste since forever so with a cringing expression, I just watched them eat it because the stall was so busy, it was useless getting in the lane.

I was craving some ice cream at that moment, and when I was asking him to tell me his favourite ice cream flavour so I could order it, he cut me in the middle and told me to keep quiet.

He explained that he only chose this apartment because he wanted the study away from the rooms side, so neither I could disturb her, nor he would annoy me by bringing his work to the room.

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