f o r t y - t h r e e

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[idk who they are ^ but how graceful, MashaAllah.]

But how can I hurt someone?

Allah miyaan I'm so sorry, I was so childish while signing those papers, I don't want to marry anyone other than Azaan.

I can't do this.

A tiny bit of hope seeps in and I leave it all on Allah, not wanting to break it.

The elders of bhabhi's family join us and I bite my thumb's nail to seize the pressure of the tears building behind my eyes.

My head is literally revolving around Azaan since he came.

I smile at the way bhabhi's dada dadi shut the 'fast-paced senseless music' and sing their favorite songs to each other.

Jaane woh kaise log the jin ke
pyaar ko pyaar mila,
Hum ne toh jab kaliyaan maangi
kanton ka haar mila,

Khushiyon ki manzil ddhoonddi toh
gham ki gard mili
Chaahat ke nagme chaahe toh
aahein sard mili
Dil ke bojh ko doona kar gayaa
joh gham khaar milaa

Hum ne toh jab kaliyaan maangi
kanton ka haar milaa
Jaane woh kaise log the jin ke
pyaar ko pyaar milaa

Bichar gayaa har saathi de kar
pal do pal ka saath
Kis ko fursat hai joh thaame
deewaanon ka haath

Hum ko apna saaya tak
aksar bezaar milaa
Hum ne toh jab kaliyaan maangi
kanton ka haar milaa
Jaane woh kaise log the jin ke
pyaar ko pyaar milaa

~~~

I spend the next day thinking about a line bhabhi's dadi sang,

Iss ko hi jeena kehte hain toh
youn hi jee lein ge
Ouf naa karein ge
lab see lein ge
aansoo pee lein ge

Gham se abbh ghabrana kaisa
gham so baar milaa

I just can't get it out of my mind.

Some people can actually move on in life despite continuous immense pain? They can think of living when it's nearly impossible?

I think of killing myself every once in a while. I make a mistake and that's it, I'm stupid I'm not gonna live anymore. No more life, no more mistakes, no more embarrassment.

And I discuss it with bhabhi,

"I can't believe some people are strong enough to accept life's atrocities and just... carry on? It makes no sense to me. Like, you always have the option of—"

Damn that sounds too disordered, I can't say that.

"Of, um," I try to make something up, "taking the double dose of antidepressants."

That's what you did last night, Sawera.

She raises an eyebrow, "No? You face it. No matter how many shits life throws at you, you can always deal with it when you have faith."

Kinda makes sense.

I've survived for so long just because of The One sitting up there, watching me.

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