f o r t y - n i n e

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[hii,]

—  S A W E R A  —

Breathing becomes so hard when your heart is fighting to get out of your chest.

With my whole face drenched in tears, without any second thoughts, I pick the phone and call Azaan.

I keep listening to the rings, praying he'll pick up while I soak my face with a tissue paper.

If I sound too worried he won't give a genuine answer.

Right as the ringing ends, I let my mouth run faster than an athlete.

"What if I never get over my eating disorder? What if it's you who triggers it? What if I starve myself to death? Will you move on?"

"Sawera? Turn on the camera," his voice gets low as he puts his phone away to search for the facetime button.

"No, I'm okay but what if I always suspect you? What if no matter how strong your love for me is, my abandonment issues don't leave me? What if— you know, I know it irritates you but... I don't know, I don't think it's a good idea. And what if you really fall out of love? Nothing was ever so strong between us, you know. This love shit is so hard. Be it with someone else or yourself. I wasn't made for this—"

"Yea, because you were made for me. How's your day been?"

I breathe in and sit down, "Most of it was good, I had fun but then I sat down alone and nothing makes sense. Life's scary. It's for responsible people. Would you come here just to kiss me once?"

"I'll be there by morning if you tell me where in Belgium you are."

"What if we never get to trust each other? Could you imagine someday I just suddenly get an anxiety attack again and you don't get time to save me? What if we—"

"What if we never get enough of each other? What if we build a comfy home of our own in which you keep on baking delicious cookies every winter night for me and I leave the last bite for you? What if we spend one weekend every month in our bed just because? What if we take more intimate pictures? What if we go on rollercoasters and you teach me new things? What if good time never ends no matter how much our cheeks hurt of smiling all the time? What if we actually make use of the vibrator you're so scared of? What if no matter how much Abyan teases us, we never leave each other's hand on the dining table? What if we learn to read each other's eyes and only speak in that language?—"

"Yea,"

Right.

This was so unnecessary.

But it felt good so it's okay.

He still has me scarred for a lifetime.

I'll never forget how rude he was that day in the office when Kylie accidentally saw us.

But that's just how memory is.

I might not forget that, I can forgive him.

Even if he doesn't apologize—

He did apologize for everything at once.

I mean, I know he can't hurt me after so much time of living without me and realizing my importance in his life.

"Sawera?"

...

...

"Azaan?"

...

"Azaan?"

He laughs, "Abyan was so confused but now he's really excited."

"Oh you're still home?"

And that one time he referred to his parents' house as his home.

"Yea, I just came—"

I hear Sehar aapi's muffled voice.

"Yea, it's Sawera." Azaan replies to her.

"I want to talk to her," I hear her and quickly cut the call.

I'd rather go on a stroll around the city.

Brussels is really pretty.

I love how calm every country in Europe is.

MashaAllah.

~~~

"Your bhai wants to talk to you— Don't cut the call. I promise only bhabhi and I knew of it. He didn't."

Azaan puts the phone on speaker and bhai talks,

"Yaar Sawera you know more of Islam than I do, I swear I didn't know anything."

I roll my eyes, "Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay what what? What do you want me to do?"

"Kamini, pick up my calls."

"I don't know I don't like formality and all, I can't do how are you with you every five or so days."

"Achha? Azaan ke saath ho jaata hai?" He teases and I try to roll my eyes but a laugh escapes.

"Haan ho jaata hai, uss se mera haal poochh liya karein. Mujhe direct calls karne ki koyi zaroorat nahin hai." I cut the phone.

I'm so not a nature person but breathing fresh air in such a grassy scenery feels so refreshing.

The more I go around the bigger this world seems.

There's so much I'm never going to experience.

There's so much hidden in my very own self that I don't know at all.

Like who before Sawera met Azaan knew that Sawera had the capability of falling in love?

~~~

I could dance to Jab Tak Hai Jaan's Jiya Re right here.

~~~

I forgot Fawad Khan is the love of my life phase was also a thing. But right now everything reminds me of Zindagi Gulzar Hai's last few dialogues.

God, the diaries they both wrote though. It's so hard to believe everyone has a point of view. And no one knows anything about my second to second life and thoughts? Not even Azaan.

And he has his own point of view? No matter how close I physically get to him, I can't ever read his mental diary? Woa.

[For more such ^ thoughts, follow Zaira though her journey in Koh-e-Noor, a book written by your very fav writer 🙈🥰.]

~~~

"Azaan bro, I wish you were here, today was such a good day."

"Uhuh? Really?"

"Remember that pigeon I found injured the other day. I picked it up and helped it fly today. How HumTv-ish, right?"

~~~

"I skipped my therapy session today. I wasn't happy and it wasn't the bestest of the days but yaar Azaan I can't believe I didn't blame myself for it. Since a few weeks I've not blamed myself for any misfortune. Like ok today's a sad day but the sadness is not making me miserable. I'm okay with it. Oh I forgot— Mr. Wójcik got into an accident and it did break me a bit but I was so supportive and it was so surprising to my own self."

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