f o r t y - t w o

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[Shaadi season yaar, koyi tou shaadi kar lo, mujhe bhi background mein gaane chaahiye, sajaawat chaahiye, yeh kyaa badtameezi hai?]

I sit down and get the last few strikes of my henna applied to quickly leave the place.

I heard he's gone to freshen up but I don't know if he's going to go to sleep or come back. I need to get out of here no matter what.

I don't wait for the henna to dry, I escape the room and take the empty corridor to rush to my room.

"Nahin yaar, kal jaldi utthna hai," I turn my head to Rukhsaar as I walk to my room and there it goes.

My henna on his white salwar kameez.

I swear to God I don't know where to hide my face.

"I'm sorry,"

He laughs, "Kis kis baat ke liye?"

I look up at him and my lips turn down into a frown. I don't know where to start.

I take a small breath in, fueling myself for a talk but what do I say?

I hear Samjhawan in the background and I don't want to be here anymore.

I want to go to bed and cry for hours to no end or crash in his arms right at this very second and beg him to just come back. I didn't know life was going to be this long while signing those papers.

Main tenu samjhawan ki
Na tere bina lagda jee
Tu ki jaane pyaar mera
Main karoon intezar tera
Tu dil, tunhion jaan meri

A tear slips my eyes and he holds the sides of my index finger to stop me from coloring my face.

I wipe my eyes with the scarred uncolored wrist.

"Abbhi toh mehendi shuroo bhi nahin huyi, Sawera chalo— Azaan?" Rabeel looks at his kameez.

"Huh? Haan main change kar ke aata hoon."

Rabeel takes me to the lounge again but I don't hear a word of hers. I hold my tears and pray to Allah for the hardship to end.

I'm falling all over again, and much harder.

I can't suffer with all that pain again. It's so hard. It makes me doubt Allah's love for me.

How can He let His creation hurt so much?

Hum ko pyaar huaa poori hui duaa

They play all sorts of love songs and I hide in a corner when Azaan comes and joins the conversation with the groom's side that has somehow snuck in.

Main Hoon Hero Tera

Love songs have never hurt worse.

Everyone here at least has chances of having their love back.

I can't experience any of it ever again.

The last time I hugged him I didn't know it was the last. The last time I kissed him I didn't know it was the last.

That small finger touch made me want to reach up and clash into a calamitous embrace.

Teri aankhon mein ddoobi main
Dekhoon apni aankhon ko
Beete youn hi saari umar
Teri baahon mein lipti main
Meri baahon mein tu ho
Dunya ki ho naa khabar

Ho naa zaroorat baaton ki
Milein lakeerein haathon ki
Saalon se umr ho raaton ki
Aise bhi dekhein dono pal pyaar ke

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