The Black Cross | BTS GANG AU

3:13

Clary lay against the crumpled white sheets of the hotel room. She clutched a pillow tightly in her hands which were shaking slightly.

Clary was most definitely not a crier when it came to difficult situations. Part of her questioned her own humanity sometimes with the lack of connection between herself and her emotional side. She used to cry easily and feel the strongest of emotions but through survival she learned to close her emotions off entirely. Most of the time she didn't feel a thing when it came to killing, not fear, not guilt, not sympathy, she blocked all of that out and she usually would see plain red or white until the job was completed. It was expected of her, it was drilled into her. It was in moments like this she missed the old Clary, the Clary who had never harmed a soul, would cry if she didn't get an A, the Clary who hadn't experienced excessive trauma. She exhaled.

Numbness was a feeling that Clary was used to, it was a feeling that was present within her almost everyday and yet, now that she had the chance to let everything over the past couple of weeks catch up to her she felt like a volcano.

Clary couldn't help but clutch the pillow tighter and she thought about seeing Aza's blood torn mangled corpse displayed on the hospital floors. Aza had originally been there at the heart of herself and Katie's first horrific experience with BTS. Aza had experienced the horror firsthand herself.

She pictured the raven haired girls gummy smile in her head - especially the smile that took over her face when she was in the presence of her fiancé. Oh god, poor Rosé... she didn't even know.

Before Clary could suppress herself the unwanted tears of grievance began to descend from her eyes to her cheeks. The tears streamed silently like a drip of water from a tap, she made no audible noise. The white pillow was clutched tighter to her chest and the white pillow became stained with black, smudged crusty mascara which had occupied Clary's eyelashes for quite a long time.

Clary felt a sudden surge of anger at herself, she should have predicted something, she should have taken extra security measures or smuggled weapons into that wedding. Why did herself nor Namjoon think of taking harsher precautions? She wanted to scream, it was her fault they were locked up in that institution. She should've protected her girls more.

She thought of poor Astatine fighting for her life in surgery and Clary felt a scream rip through her throat. At once the door was kicked down from its hinges and Seok Jin burst into the room in a scurry - all of the others were at the hospital taking turns of resting.

Seok Jin wrapped his arms around Clary who was sobbing - it shocked the male to see the girl express emotions. "I can't do it again Jin I can't!" She yelled. "I can't lose another one of my girls," her utterance came out hoarse and in the form of a murmur.

"I know-" his voice was hoarse and his eyes red as if he may have been previously crying himself. "I can't lose her either."

"I'm sorry." She moved her head from the lanky male's broad chest. "I should've protected them more."

Seok Jin chuckled, "it's incredible how similar you are to our Joonie."

She reminisced the first few weeks of knowing the boys where they all referred to Namjoon as simply Namjoon, it wasn't until months of Clary calling him Joonie that the boys adopted the nickname for him too. Clary furrowed her eyebrows. "I get it, as difficult as it is to imagine him with a conscience he was young and vulnerable once and he would always feel horrible if one of us got hurt, he wouldn't express it with words but you could tell."

Once. The word rang through Clary's brain like a bell chiming. "You don't understand Jin, I could have protected her. I could have protected both of them."