Grief Of The Arts

GOTA: Prologue

They say, if you want a peaceful life you need to live alone. Away from all the people from your past that gave you a traumatic experience.

At first, I didn't expect that I will also distance myself with my friends who did nothing but to support me. Akala ko siya lang ang mawawala, dahil siya lang naman ang taong nanakit sa'kin ng ganito.

I never imagined myself crying because of him. His mistakes. And the thing he did couple of years ago that made me decide to stay away from people.

Several people asking me why do I like being alone than being in that crowd with my friends that I lost when I also lost myself.

Naniwala ako noon na sa lugar kung saan ako lang mag-isa, doon ko ulit makikita ang sarili ko, to find what I can do just to make a difference in this world.

I don't like crowded people like before. I don't want to be in the spotlight they were talking about.

Dati, gustong gusto ko ang pagpinta. I feel happy when someone praise my artwork. Pero sa gitna ng pag-sikat ko ay ang pagka-wala ko rin.

I feel so lost in the middle of their crowd. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat. Sa pag-unawa ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko, at sa pag-pinta.

Painting is just my hobbies, it's not my dream. That's what I realize.

Mag-kaiba pala ang pangarap sa libangan. Libangan ko ang pagpinta, at pangarap kong maging doctor.

The moment I realize that being a doctor is really my dream is also the day I lost my self to the moment that I don't even know where my real self is, where did I left the old me.

Numerous things happen in just a snap. Mga bagay na kahit kailan ay ayoko ng balikan pa. The things that made me suffer. The things that gave me trauma.

I suffered a lot, a lot that people will not believe. Ang alam nila masaya ako, kasi 'yon ang pinapakita ko. But after that day, I was never okay. I cry every night while remembering what happened from the past.

Libangan at pangarap.

Doon umikot ang mundo ko pagkatapos ng lahat. Ginusto kong maging isang Pediatrician.

After what happened, I surrounded myself with children. Kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagsising tumigil akong gumawa ng artwork para sa iba. I make this decision on the top of my emotions.

Iba sa pakiramdam ang mapaligiran ng mga bata. Nakaka-gaan ng loob. Lalo na kapag nakikita mo sa mga mata nila 'yung saya tuwing makikita ka nila. Matang walang iniindang sakit o kahit na anong problema.

Naiisip ko tuloy, siguro kapag nakita ako ng batang Shy, sasabihin niya sa'kin na hindi ito ang nakikita niya sa sarili niya habang lumalaki.

Habang tumatanda, pasakit rin nang pasakit ang pinagdadaanan ng mga tao. Roon ko naintindihan lahat ng sinasabi ni Mama. Ang mag-enjoy sa pagiging bata. Dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras, bata tayo, walang problema.

"Lunch break mo pa? Kain tayo, libre ko." Ate Kris said.

Ate Kris is a Surgeon, a doctor. 3 years ang tanda niya sa'kin.

"Saan ba? KFC?" I asked her.

Siya 'yung cashier noon sa KFC near UPLB. A working student at ngayon ay doctor na.

We arrived here at the fast food chain. Siya na ang nag-order dahil alam niya namang hindi niya ako mauutusan sa pag-order.

"Kailan mo balak mag-boyfriend Shy? 27 ka na, it's been 4 years since you two broke up. Wala pa rin bang bago o baka siya pa rin?" She asked me all of sudden.