No Ordinary Love |KTH|

You Deserve This

As I sit on my bed, counting the minutes, I wonder what it feels like to be high. The feel of your body becoming light in the merriment and the pressure of the world finally being released off your shoulders. The buzz of rush it gives that surges through the entirety of your body. It must feel great.

I want to be high right now, I want to float away from my chambers and take flight elsewhere. I can't stand this feeling of being alone, of not having anyone to understand me for who I am. But then I think about all my friends and I begin to feel guilty when I think like this. They've been by my side since we were kids and now that we're all grown adults it's hard to think of my life without them. Even though they annoy the shit out of me or pry too deeply in my personal life I know they do it because they care.

My ceiling looks nice though. As I glance at the shapes painted by the suns dance with my blinds I smiled lightly to myself when I made up different ideas to what they are. Ones a dinosaur, another is a flower, and the last one is a heart. This heart is different than most, it has thorns prickling at its center, suffocating it as it looks to be thumping. The heart is alive, but the vines slowly inclose around it until the sun slowly falls behind the clouds taking the heart with it.

I've been sitting in my room for hours just thinking. It's really more of a hobby rather than a nuisance. I count the minutes and the seconds as each hour goes swiftly by while I sit in one position the entire time. It's something that I've been doing since I was a kid. When my life becomes too chaotic for me to just sit down and unwind, my mind does it for me. I would go on these trips I call them and allow myself to process my surroundings and my mental ability to live in this man-dominated world.

No one knows I do this, not even my own parents. But it's something that's been keeping me sane. My ex didn't understand that and would judge me for it, calling me weird and giving me numbers for psychiatrists he knew. All along those were women he would fuck behind my back until he met her. After my encounter with them two, I did some background research on the person who stole the love of my life and discovered her social media.

It was a desolate place back then for me. I went down a dark road of comparing myself to the likes of that woman who hadn't had the common decency to turn down a man who was seeing someone already.  It became hard for me to even look in the mirror because all I could think about was Sena, and how beautiful she is.

Her skin is flawless, her voice is divine, her body is up to par, and her smile can blind even the blind. I felt like I had failed as a woman to deliver myself as half as good as she had. And as an idiotic result, I lost him to her. I sigh heavily finally deciding to move into my next position to give my achy joints a break. But my face turns into a downward frown when I realize I have to study for my midterm exams.

My life, well, for the most part, is confusing. I'm juggling many things already and adding to my plate is college. If I want a good life I must go to college my parents said. What life would you lead if you don't get a degree my family said. Is this all you want with your life, my teachers said. But I'm curious to know why everyone's so interested in my life. What do I look like for people to want to know more about me? And why should their words be used as motivation to continue living this dreadful life?

Am I not enough as I am?

Before I could ponder on another midlife crisis question my stomach answered for me with a growl. I pressed on my abdomen and chuckled hearing it talk more than I have since I woke up this morning.

"I guess I've been starving you huh?" I asked like my stomach could answer me back but hilariously it did.

I laughed and got up. This is enough for today I guess, now back to reality. I walked out to the kitchen and opened the fridge to see more white than I would like. I should've gone shopping, but with me barely even being home sometimes and eating out I don't blame myself for it. Reluctantly that's a task for future Noelle to do as I placed on some clothes out the dirty bin that really isn't dirty, and grabbed my keys.