No Ordinary Love |KTH|

Right My Wrongs

Half-awake is underrated, it's where I see my most vivid of visions, it's where my dreaming brain speaks to me in visual puns and condensations of such. I am filled with brief peace and serenity until nausea comes in fits of waves.

The aching in my skull ebbs and flows like a cold tide, yet the pain is always there. I understand at once why they call it a hangover, for it feels as if the blackest of clouds are over my head with no intention of clearing until late afternoon.

I can't tell what time it is or even if time is even time. This hangover feels like a balloon under my cranium, slowly being inflated, pressure mounting. The bile that sits underneath my ribs reminds me why I'm in this predicament in the first place.

Never in my life have I drunk so much. It's like my liver is screaming a choir and my skin feels so sticky on whatever my body is laying on. Drench in my own sweat, bones feel so brittle, I risk the chance to open my eyes as the sun pours it's light through the blinds.

This almost feels like a punishment. I am being reminded who I am, nothing but an unloveable creature. A person who is so needy for the basic things that I take until that person finds my being to be nothing but annoyance to them. There's a time where I just become so stuck in a cycle that I could resemble a hamster on a wheel. Round and round and round I go, stuck in a rotation that keeps me in one place at one time. But all these things, events, emotions, feelings, are surrounding me with the illusion that I am living. Society has a funny way of keeping us blind.

My tongue feels dry, almost like it might crack at any moment and I swallow thickly to give it moisture. I need to get up, I need to move forward. I can't keep being the hamster on the wheel.

The sun is kissing my skin, reminding me that I am alive no matter how dead inside I feel at the moment. As I sit up my head pounds like the beat of drums and I groggily groaned accepting defeat. I will submit to my punishment. Lights, everywhere, it's so bright.

I squinted my eyes over my hand and take a look at my surroundings. The room I'm currently staying in looks like trash came and had their own party. My stuff was everywhere, and recurring moments from last night came in like shock waves and I closed my hands over my head to make it stop.

Remembering hurts.

Nausea is coming back to befriend me. I lunge for the connected bathroom and made it just in time to throw up all the alcohol my liver couldn't cleanse. I hadn't really eaten that much yesterday and being drunk on an empty stomach is what fools do so I guess I've joined the club. My curls stick to my face and I continued to empty out what's left of the party. After I was done I laid my head against the toilet seat so defeated with my life.

I began to cry, for the simple fact that I lost the reigns to control my life, and now I'm sitting by a toilet crying about that. What have I been doing so far? Chasing after a guy and becoming smitten for another. Is this who I've become? Is this...Noelle? Silent tears fell down my face like shooting stars crashing down to earth as its own suicide.

At least let everyone else feel as shitty as I do.

I found some strength in my legs and leaned against the sink and took a good look in the mirror. This was not the same woman I stared back at yesterday. This girl looks almost sad and pitiful and it's a shame this isn't some Halloween mask I'm wearing right now.

This is me, and I need to wash off the residue of that. In the shower, the water comes as a soothing cascade, as if I am within arms that flow and hug so gently. Once out I felt replenished enough to set my clothes out and decided on some jeans and an oversized tee and tried at doing my hair.