Pretend (Harry Styles) - Book 3

Chapter 45: Seeing Red

23 Weeks Along

-Harry's POV-

The sound of Ava's slow breathing is the only thing that has managed to calm my nerves.

I tighten my arm around her, my palm resting on her swollen belly as she sleeps. I can't fucking believe what happened tonight. Seeing her at the bottom of those stairs, looking scared and in pain... it made my heart stop. It took everything in me to keep my composure while everyone pressed in around us.

She was hurt again.

Because of me.

I thought I had things figured out. I would bring her here, to Holmes Chapel, out of the limelight. She would be safe at my mums. Not bothered like she was in London. Not in danger like she was in London. I was so fucking wrong.

I don't know what to do at this point. I can't sleep, my mind won't let up. It keeps going over any option I have. The problem being... I don't bloody have one.

She can't go on tour, she can't stay in London. Our other home is in L.A., which is the worst option available. Even my own home town, small and usually fairly devoid of paps, isn't going to work out.

I'm out of ideas and I'm sick over it. And angry. It shouldn't be like this. This should be one of the happiest times of Ava's life. But because of me, it's not.

I sigh, letting go of Ava and laying on my back. I rub my face before glancing around the darkened room. The moonlight shining through the windows provides just enough light to remind me my childhood room is now a bit emptier then when we arrived earlier today.

The old telescope that sat in the corner is gone, along with the desk chair. The laptop I brought with me is no longer gracing the top of the desk and the walls are now shy from any pictures. The lamp that used to sit on the side table is missing as well.

I lost it.

Once I was finally alone, after bandaging Av, I fucking lost it. The second I was in my room my vision went red. I didn't even realize I'd snatched up the laptop till it had hit the wall across the room. Then I couldn't stop.

I'd destroyed half the room before Ava softly knocked on the door and called my name.

When I opened the door to her I felt nothing but ashamed. She doesn't need me losing my temper along with everything else.

But true to Av's character, she didn't say a word about the mess. She just wrapped her small arms around me and told me she loved me. It was exactly what I needed.

I scolded her when she tried helping me clean up, making her leave so she wouldn't step on any broken glass. The last thing I needed was her hurt twice in one night because of me. I don't think I can handle something else hurting my girls.

When I finally had the room cleared, I trudged downstairs. My mum and Gem just gave me sypathetic smiles as I walked over to Ava and held my hand out to her. Once we were back in my room I closed the door and pulled her into my arms.

I don't know how long I held her, standing there right inside the doorway. But it wasn't long enough. It's never long enough. I have to leave tomorrow afternoon and I don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye to her.

When we slide into bed, I couldn't keep myself from saying I was sorry over and over again. Ava kept telling me to stop, but there wasn't any helping it. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't of been in a car accident. If it wasn't for me our flat wouldn't have been broken into. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have been pushed down those bloody stairs.

It's all because of me.

I grab my phone off the nightstand, wanting to try to distract myself from my thoughts. But of course as soon as I unlock it, message after message pops up. Several from the lads, asking after Ava. One from Finn telling me he talked to Gem and was there if I needed to vent. Four from Poppy, mostly getting on to me for not popping those paps in the nose. If she only knew how much it took for me not to.