I don't want to feel better

Please help

Tommy's POV:

Like I had originally thought, it was dinner time. Tubbo had left the room a while ago to help cook. I finally moved from my seat on my bed to go open the door.

I opened the door and made my way downstairs where the carpeted floor met with the tiles. I stood on the carpet of the living room before making my way to the kitchen.

I sat at the table next to Tubbo. The next 10 minutes was filled with laughter and stupid jokes. I really enjoy being around tubbo he makes me feel like my life isn't crumbling to pieces.

After a bit Dream, George, Wil and phill came out with plates to set on the table. The food looked- nice- it didn't look gross or revolting to me which was strange.

I picked up my fork and put a bit of food in my mouth. It was- good? It tasted great- and the texture wasn't so terrible that I could barley swallow.

Maybe I'm literally dying of starvation so my brain is letting me have some food-? This dosnt make any sense. But I guess I should enjoy this while it lasts.

I continued to eat and have small talk with the rest of the table. I had nearly eaten half of my plate of food when my stomach dropped.

I looked down at my plate at the stuff I had eaten. Why did I do this. Why did I think it would be okay. Everyone is gonna think I'm disgusting.

I set my fork down next to my plate and drank a bit of water.

"May I be excused please?" I asked and looked for an answer from anyone.

"Go ahead tommy." I wasn't paying attention who had said that but I stood up quickly and made my way to the bathroom. I told myself to not let them get in the way. I need to do this. I need to be skinny so people will like me.

They will all hate me if I'm not skinny enough. Just a few more pounds off and I'll eat a bit more. I kneeled over the toilet and pushed two Of my fingers into the back of my throat.

I threw up the food I had eaten but I didn't stand straight up. I sat on the floor for a bit just looking down at the floor.

Why am I doing this to myself. I'm literally a skeleton. I don't want to do this anymore

Stop lying

You have so much fat on your skin stop kidding yourself

I need to do this so people like you.

I sigh and stand up flushing the toilet and going over to the sink. I ran my hand through my hair as some bits came off into my hand. I sighed again and washed my hands quickly before going back to my room and laying in bed.

I wish I could just stay in bed all day. It's nice it's my own space that no one can enter without my permission. I could just lay in the warmth forever and never have to worry about stupid things like needing to eat or wanting to relapse.

I laid sprawled out on my bed waiting for sweet sleep to take over my body. The door to my bedroom creaked as it opened and I turned my attention to tubbo walking into the room. I rolled back over so I was facing away from them and I closed my eyes.

I feel so bad for lying to tubbo. He's my best friend but I can't let him know. He would be heartbroken. I don't want him to worry. I sighed and as I was about to relax tubbo spoke.

"Tommy what's going on, I'm worried about you.." I turned over to look at tubbo and he was sat on the side of my bed with a sympathetic look on his face. I sat up and sighed.

"Nothing tubbo, your worried about nothing I'm completely fine man!" I shot him a smile and he just clenched his eyes shut.

"Stop lying to me! Tommy I know what's going on! I'm not an idiot! I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me but I guess not." He sighed as a tear fell down his cheek.

Shit shit shit shit what have I done. I made my best friend cry I'm a terrible person.

"Tubbo please don't cry please don't cry. I'm sorry- I just- I just didn't want to worry you and make you upset. Please don't cry." I leaned over and hugged him tightly.

"Tubbo I do trust you I didn't want you to see my different Just because I'm struggling in the moment." I explained and tubbo whipped the tears from his face.

"I just want to know that you are going to be okay cause I cannot bare the thought of loosing my best friend.." Tubbo laid down across my legs on the bed with a sigh.

"I'm going to be okay, I promise." I looked at him and he smiled back  at me. I had tears falling down my face as I gave him a smile back. Tubbo sat back up off of my legs and laid down next to me giving me a hug.

Tubbo was such a great friend. Probably the best one I've ever had. He cared about me, more than my parents probably did. I gave him a hug back shortly before he left my bed and went to his own.

We sat in silence for a bit before the door was opened again and in entered Ranboo. He glanced around the room back at me then to tubbo before he sat down on his bed facing us.

"So, are y'all gonna tell me what happened or are we just gonna sit here in silence-." Ranboo said sitting crisscross on the bed.

"Nothing happened boss man don't worry about it." Tubbo said in return.

Ranboo looked back  and forth at both of us. "Then why is he crying, and why do you look like your entire life just shattered to pieces." Ranboo said pointing at me then at tubbo.

I quickly whipped my face with my hoodie sleeve. "Me and tubbo just had a conversation, it's nothing that you don't already know about." I say shrugging my shoulders.

"Alright I'll believe you for now dude." Ranboo stood from his bed. "I'm gonna go shower, see y'all after I use all the hot water."

"You bitch." Tubbo said and sighed laying back onto his bed.

I rolled over in my bed and pulled the covers over myself. I feel so shitty. I don't want to have to rely on others so that I can just exist at a minimum but I just really need support right now and I probably will for a while.

Maybe it would be nice if I did get better... or if I just left all together, then no one would worry for me and I would be happy. I wish everything was okay, I wish I was okay.

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1189 words,

I'm gonna try and book out another chapter right after this but idk