I don't want to feel better

So loved, yet so alone

Tommy's POV:

I can't describe my feelings anymore. I used to be able to say, "I'm sad" or "I'm exhausted" but there is no real way to describe this feeling. I guess you could say I feel alone.

It's strange. I have no reason to feel that way. I'm laying in bed hugging my best friend. I'm not alone. I'm with the people love. But my heart still feels empty. Like everything crumbled to dust.

I had no reason to cry, yet i still let the salty tears fall down my face as I hugged Tubbo closer.

Alone...

Alone..?

It doesn't make sense..

I have everything and everyone I could ask for. Everyone knew me, the real me, I wasn't hiding anymore. Everyone was here to help me. Everyone wanted to help me. But I don't know.. I don't know if I want help.

Who am I kidding, who actually wants help? Maybe ... do I.. need? Help? It's currently 3 am, I hold Tubbo closer to me and continue to cry silently into his shoulder, holding my breath.

I have my earbuds in listing to music. It always helped me fall asleep but I Just couldn't tonight. I just kept having memories of the past. No matter how happy or sad they always made me cry more.

I inhaled sharply and pulled myself more under the covers. I tried so hard to focus on breathing and not waking up Tubbo but clearly I failed. I continued to struggle with my breathing before standing up from the bed as carefully as possible.

I stumbled to the door and went to turn the door nob before I felt a rush of dizziness go through my body and I feel to the ground. I hit the ground with a thud and quickly sat back up praying I hadn't woken the others in the room.

I attempted to hush my labored breathing as I tried to stand up again. Quickly turning the metal handle, I nearly ran out of the room and down the stairs. Maybe some water would help. Just maybe. My head was throbbing due to what I assume a lack of oxygen or food.

I quickly made my way to the kitchen as quietly as possible and opened the fridge. I grabbed a plastic water bottle and close the fridge to meet eyes with someone.

"Tommy? What are you doing up?" I held my breath in attempt to make it seem like I wasn't panicking.

"I.. I just needed some water, Karl." I whispered back. I knew that Karl was the one speaking to me cause he often stayed up all night. I also quickly recognized his voice when he spoke to me.

"Alright, you should really go get some sleep... Are you doing alright you seem a bit nervous?" Karl took a step closer to me in an attempt to see my face closer.

I whipped the tears that continued to fall down my face.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm gonna go get.. go get some sleep after I drink this." I let my breath that I was holding go as I let out a shaky breath followed by a sharp semi panicked Inhale.

I moved away from the kitchen and onto the couch of the living room. I quickly sat down and opened the water. I tipped my head back and basically chugged the whole thing in hopes my head would stop throbbing. Spoiler alert it didn't.

My breathing Jsut continued to become more and more labored as I laid down on the couch unable to get up again simply out of exhaustion.

Karl soon came over and kneeled down infront of the couch.

"Tommy? What's wrong?"

I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't. I didn't feel like talking  anymore. I laid there and closed my mouth as the task of breathing became near impossible.

Karl reached his hand out to touch me but when he did a serge of panic went through my entire body. I quickly pushed him away and I started crying more than I was before.

I closed my eyes and held my ears. Everything was just feeling so overwhelming.

I sat there for a while trying  to figure out what exactly was happening until my breathing completely stopped. I shakily moved my hands from my ears to my throat as I desperately tried to get a breath.

Everything became to blurry to see, plus the factor it was the middle of the night and pitch black. I could barely hear as my brain was going a million miles an hour trying to focus on one thing.

I opened my mouth and let out a very soft and quite voice and all I could say was,

"I'm gonna die."

I could barely hear him, but I faintly heard Karl's voice.

"Tommy, your not gonna die, just listen to me. Can you try to take a deep breath with me? Ready? In.. 1..2..3 and out.. 1..2..3. Just listen to my voice Tommy, everything is going to be okay. I'm right here. I'm not going to leave."

I attempted to breathe as he instructed and after what felt like hours I was able to calm down.

After I was calm I laid on the couch motionless. I was so tired. I felt so drained. Karl pulled me into a hug for a couple seconds before letting me lay on the couch. He grabbed a blanket and laid it over me.

"I'm gonna go make you something to eat and drink, just breathe." Karl left to go to the kitchen. I laid on the couch and watched as the dark window slowly brightened as the sun rose in the distance.

I had no idea what time it was but the sun has successfully rose to a decent spot in the sky, breaking daylight along the horizon. I sat up on the couch when the sun began to shine into my eyes.

I heard some loud noises from upstairs then frantic running down the stairs. I made eye contact with Dream who seemed to had just woken up in a panic and was running around.

"There you are. Guys I found him, he's okay!" Dream yelled up the stairs. The loud noises stopped from upstairs and some more people came down into the kitchen and living room.

I laid back down on the couch hoping at one point my energy would find me. It's really inconvenient to panic all night cause then you can't really get any sleep after the shock is over. I normally feel drained after attacks like this but now I'm gonna be tired all day.

I pulled the blanket up so my entire body was covered other than my face. Someone lifted my head slightly, sat down then set my head back down in their lap. They messed around with my hair for a bit before my tiredness got the best of me and I passed out.

-time skip :]-

When I woke up I realized I was no longer on the couch. I was laying in my bed wrapped up in my blankets. I pulled my knees up closer to my chest a hurried my face further into my blankets. It was strangely cold despite the fact we were in Florida.

I rubbed my eyes and stumbled out of bed over to my suitcase. I quickly unzipped it and grabbed the small stuffed animal I had shoved in there last minute. God I feel so dumb for this but who even cares anymore. I laid back down in bed and held the small stuffed dog to my chest. This sounds so fucking childish but I've had the damn thing since I was 2. It's been there for me more than any person on this god forbidding earth.

It's helped me through more panic attacks than my parents had. Honestly I don't know how I forgot about it and jsut left it in my suit case for this long.

What time is it? How long have I been asleep?

I sat up in bed and grabbed my phone from the night stand and checked. Great it was only 1 pm. I shoved the stuffed dog back into its place in my suitcase and made my way downstairs.

I grabbed the attention of some people as I made my way slowly down the stairs.

"Tommy! Your awake, do you wanna come on a walk with me and phil? Only if your up to it I know your probably tired." I looked at the front door to see Wil and phil putting on their shoes.

"Um sure why not.."

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Word count: 1446

I'm working on some fluff rn so look out for that :)