I don't want to feel better

Its not much but im proud.

Tommy's POV:

The days seemed to blur together. Only seeing small details that really mattered. The only thing eating away at me was relapsing. Well, the thought of relapsing. It's so easy to just do it but it's the guilt that so hard.

It's been how many days since I felt that cold metal along my wrist, had it only been 5 days or 5 hours. It's been taking everything in me to not go get a knife and make myself bleed.

I've been trying to distract myself with conversation or even just going for walks. It's not easy, it's an addiction of course it's not gonna be easy but I have to try. For the sake of the people around me. I don't want them to worry.

I don't want them to care. I don't want them to be so scared I'm gonna kill myself in the middle of the night to the point of crying.
I don't wanna talk about what happened but to shorten it up. I woke up to Tubbo freaking out cause I had left the room and he thought I was dead or something. I'm fucking traumatizing my friends what is wrong with me.

I woke up. It was currently 2 am and everyone was asleep, I stood up and left to go to the bathroom. I walked into the room flipped on the light and locked the door. I rubbed my eyes at the sudden brightness and looked at myself in the mirror.

I messed with my hair for a moment before sitting on the floor and pulling my knees to my chest. I wish the floor would just swallow me up and I would never see the light of day again. I feel so guilty about what happened a couple nights ago. And the fact I haven't relapsed in a while, it makes me feel like I'm just doing this for attention.

Before I knew it I had passed out on the bathroom floor with the light still on and the door locked.

—- time skipp——

"Tommy! Are you in there? We are leaving for downtown in 20 minutess." Tubbo said knocking on the bathroom door

"Yeah yeah I'll be up.." I sighed and sat up. I left the bathroom and grabbed cloths before going right back in. I changed into a hoodie and jeans and quickly brushed through my hair.

I walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs to see everyone sat either at the table or on the couch. The closest clock that I looked at read 10:45. It was still pretty early but I guess going out early would make it less crowded.

"Oh Tommy your awake, come get some food before we go out." Sapnaps voice chimes from the kitchen. I'm assuming he made breakfast. I don't want to eat- and I especially don't want to eat something sapnap had attempted to cook.

"Yeah Tommy it's not as gross as you would think he actually did a good job." George said from the table.

"Yeah I bet- but I'm not that hungry."I say taking a step towards the living room.

"Come on man I spent a while on this just try a bite? I mean it would be great seeing as you literally only ever eat when phill cooks, and I wanna one up him." Sapnap smirked and gave Phil a side glance.

I let out a sigh and turned to the kitchen. "Fine I'll have a small bit." To be one hundred percent honest the food smelled amazing and I was definitely hungry but I didn't want to eat. At the same time I don't want to upset sapnap.

I grabbed the plate with a single pancake and a pile of scrambled eggs. I sat at the table and cut my pancake in half twice before taking a small bite. I chewed it for a while before swallowing.

I noticed sapnap looking at me waiting for some kind of aprovement or compliment. I gave him a thumbs up and took a single bite of eggs and then put my fork down.

"Not bad dude, I'd say it's on the same level as Phil's." I say and sapnap starts to brag to phil. I roll my eyes and go to put my shoes on.

I stop at the door and slip my shoes on before walking into the living room where a lot more people were.