I don't want to feel better

Whopa ganghum style

(So sorry for late update. My best friend just broke off the friendship and I've been too depressed Over this to even type about my numbness right now. Usually when bad things happen I update a new chapter right away but this has taken a huge toll on my mental health so if no updates happen within the next year I might have died. Thank you all for supporting my book and let's get on with this chapter)

Tommy's POV:

Monday came and went. I saw the therapist and it wasn't horrible but at the same time I hated every second of it. It was Tuesday now and everyone was trying to find out what we should do. At least that's what I think they were taking about. I was upstairs laying in bed.

I was spending a lot of time in bed. Anytime I wasn't doing an activity with someone I was just laying in bed. It felt like I had been walking on eggshells mentally ever since my visit with the therapist. I just told her about my life and shit and she didn't care one bit. It was kinda funny. I don't plan on opening up about my issues but y'know, I'll make the best of the bad situation while I'm here.

The weigh shifted on my bed and I turned around to look at dream sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Tommy you've been in bed all week what's going on." He asks looking back at me.

"I'm tired." I say plainly

"Mentally or physically?" He continues

"I'm not sure, probably both, or maybe I'm morally tired. I'm just tired of everything." I placed my hand on my forehead and sighed.

"Tommy I'm scared for you. I'm really worried." Dream says and puts his hand on my wrist. I sigh.

"Don't be. If I die then I die. We all die eventually who cares. Nothing matters in the long run."

"We need you Tommy. It's not worth it, ever."

"..."

"..."

"So why did you come in here? To tell me to get up? Tell me to stop 'wallowing in my depression'?" I sigh and he does as well

"No tommy, I want you to come downstairs and enjoy a meal with us. We only have so much time. I will make no drastics to better you mentally, I just want you to come sit and enjoy a meal like the old days." He said while looking down. "So?"

I sighed and sat up in bed.

"Fine."

— downstairs —

We all sat around the dinner table laughing with eachother. It felt as though nothing was wrong. Karl was sat next to me and was keeping a close eye on my behaviors and dream was glaring him down. Ranboo was on my other side and Tubbo was next to him.

Lots of conversations went on and passed bye just as fast as they came up before the food came out. Plates were set out for everyone by George. Shocking to see he cooked without burning the kitchen down.

Spaghetti.

How fun. Just don't think about it tommy. Just eat it. Don't think about how much you don't want to. Don't think about it.

I glanced at Karl in a state of panic and he was starring right at me. I heard Karl wince and look at dream.

"Dream what the fuck don't kick me." Karl snickered quietly. Dream just laughed and I looked back at my plate.

I took a quick deep breath before picking up my fork and eating a bite of it. I tried to act like it didn't effect me but inside I was screaming. It felt like my inner-monologe was having a panic attack screaming and scraping at its skin but I just had to ignore it.

I took a second, then a third and continued till I was done. I sat my fork down on the plate and walked my plate to the sink. I cleaned my dish and put it in the dish washer.

The voice in my head was still screaming at the top of its lungs. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest.

I closed my eyes and tried to think about anything but all I heard was the screaming.

"Shut up" I mumbled to myself, it was so quite it was almost inaudible but whatever it didn't work anyways.

Things were fun, everything was fine, it's supposed to stay that way. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I stood up from my spot on the couch and walked up the stairs but just as I was in the hallway walking to my room a wave of dizziness hit me. I sat down against the wall and leaned against it.

My eye sight started blinking between being focused and it being blurry. My eyes started hurting but I couldn't close them. What if someone hurt me while I wasn't looking?

I crossed my arms over my knees and just sat there staring off. It felt like I was screaming, it felt like I was having a panic attack but I was just sitting there. Nothing looked like things I really recognized anymore but I couldn't really move. At least I didn't want to try. This seemed like somthing I'd have to wait out. And if I didn't I would get hurt.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs before someone was in-front of me. My eyes were still fucking up so I couldn't make out their face.

"Tommy? Tommy, are you okay?" They said. I couldn't respond even if I wanted to. I could barely hear what they even said over the screaming. I just slightly shifted the position my hands were in.

They grabbed one of my hands and sat Criss cross in-front of me. They squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. We sat there for god knows how long just holding hands. I clumsy really tell when I had snapped out of it but the screaming just seemed to come to an abrupt stop. My vision snapped back to normal and I made eye contact with karl.

I laid my head back against the wall when I realized I was fine. I let out an sigh as my body relaxed and Karl hugged me tightly. He let go quickly as I tensed up. I stood up and walked into my room.

"Tommy?" Karl said. I turned back to him and he just looked at me. A few tears fell down his face as he motioned for me to go on. He turned back and walked down the stairs. I turned back and walked into the bathroom.

I started a warm shower and stepped in trying to get rid of the gross feeling in my bones after what just happened.
I sat in the shower for about 40 minutes before getting out. I sighed as I looked in the mirror and combed my hair back with my hand.

After I put on some new cloths I started scratching at my arms. Not enough to draw blood but just enough to ground myself. I took one last deep breath before opening the door to the bathroom. It was only mid day but both Ranboo and Tubbo had come in and were now laying in their beds.

They were watching things on their phones and only glanced over slightly when I opened the door. I sat down on my own bed and pulled out my phone.

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Word count: 1251

I'm to tired and upset to finish this. Please enjoy and remember to take care of yourself