I don't want to feel better

Whats even real anymore

Tommy's POV:

- starting with a time skip, it's basically just night on the same day as the last chapter-

Today was hell.

Wil wouldn't leave me alone

Karl told Phil about what happened

I made my friend cry.

I made both Tubbo and Ranboo upset

And now I can't sleep

I laid awake in my bed staring at the ceiling. I haven't been sleeping well at all and I have no idea why. Everything seems very repetitive in my life lately and I can't help but forget things that should be easy to remember.

I sighed and rolled onto my side. I was facing the wall closest to the bathroom. Ranboos bed was Jsut in the way of my sight to see the door. My brain felt all fuzzy and everything felt surreal. I'm probably really sleep deprived. I sat up slowly and pulled my legs out from the blankets. I stepped over the side of the bed and stood up.

I slowly made my way downstairs. I hoped no one was down there at this time so I could do what I want. I walked into the kitchen looking for.. something. I was holding onto the counter as I felt more delirious.

I rubbed my eyes to get used to the dark and continued my searching. The knife block on the counter was empty, or course, but they have to keep them somewhere. I started going through the cabinets and drawers. Nothing. God damn it. I leaned against the counter and thought for a moment. Do we have scissors anywhere? Probably not.

I walked out of the kitchen and made my way to the garage. There were small changes here. Some baskets of things were now gone, including the rope, and things were moved around. I started searching. It took a while before I found an exacto knife in a small bag. I picked up the small, sharp object and examined it in the dim light. It didn't seem to be dirty it's probably fine.

I smiled and sat down on the garage floor in the corner. I'd have a less chance of getting caught in here. I rolled the small knifes' handle along my fingers before getting a firm grasp on it.

This would make me feel better

It always does

It's a way of releasing stress

Just as long as no one knows it's fine

It dosnt hurt anyone other than me

And I'm not that important

So it's fine

It's fine..

I held my left arm and brought the small blade up to my arm. I pushed it down harshly on my arm and dragged it across. I hissed at the pain, something I haven't done in a long time because I had gotten used to it.

I smiled as I watched the blood make droplets on my arm. Just a couple more. I repeated this process a couple- a lot more. Any time I ran out of space I would just do diagonal lines.

It felt so good.

I felt so alive doing this.

I smiled and let out a sigh of relief. I pulled up my shorts slightly and followed along the not so old scars creating new cuts. It was so addicting.

My body craved the pain

It craved the loss of blood

It craved the longing for scars.

I looked at myself before deciding it was enough for now. I wiped the blade off and placed it back where I found it before pulling my sleeve and pant leg down. I rushed into the bathroom knowing damn well the cuts were still bleeding. I dabbed up the blood that was still coming out until it stopped flowing. I sighed and got rid of any and all evidence. I changed my cloths, put bandages on the ones that wouldn't stop bleeding and fixed my hair.