I don't want to feel better

Lol more sad :,)

Tommy's POV:

We sat in silence. Not exactly silence there was a sob every now and then but no one spoke. That was soon ruined by the sound of steps coming down the stairs. All attention was turned to Tubbo walking down the stairs slowly attempting to not make a noise.

"Sorry.." Tubbo spoke after reaching the bottom.

"It's alright Tubbo, I- I'll just make some breakfast soon alright? Y'all can play some games in the living room for now." Phil spoke and stood up to go into the kitchen.

Tubbo walked into the living room and Dream left. Tubbo sat beside me and grabbed the remote.

"Umm.. what do you guys wanna play?" Tubbo spoke.

"I don't really care you can pick." I say and grab the 2nd player remote. After everyone had grabbed a controller Tubbo started up a game of amazing destruction brothers (totally a name of a real game)

Everyone chose their character and started up the game.

-time skip brought to you by philza Minecraft-

We had played for a while before Phil called us into the kitchen for breakfast. I remained seated in the living room as everyone left to get food. I heard taking from the kitchen as more people came down the stairs and joined everyone at the table.

I sighed to myself and leaned back onto the couch. I bit my tongue and attempted to hold my breath for as long as possible. I opened my eyes and looked to my left to see Karl. He handed me a plate of food and a fork, I shook my head and handed it back to him.

"Try." Karl handed me the plate and placed the fork on the small coffee table we had in the living room, next to his plate and fork.

"Karl I can't, you don't understa-"

"I do understand, you have to try. Here, I take a bite and then you take a bite." Karl handed me my fork and picked up his own along with his plate.

Karl took a bite of his waffle then looked at me. A lot of time passed between the action of picking up my own fork and putting the waffle bit in my mouth. I swallowed it, it felt like I was swallowing a razor blade.

All the progress I had made before was gone. I was back to being at square one. We continued this process for 5 minutes. I had taken 6 bites from my waffle and 2 of my eggs, but as Karl went to take a 9th bite I pushed my plate away and stood up.

I turned away from the couch and was about to walk away only to be pulled back by a firm grab on my sleeve.

"Tommy sit down, it's gonna be okay."

"No it's not Karl, it's never gonna be okay. Please let me go." I attempt to get my arm free.

"sit back down, let's take a break." Karl pulled my arm towards himself and he shoved me slightly so I was sitting down on the couch again.

5 minutes passed as we sat in the living room in complete silence. The nausea I was feeling earlier faded but I didn't want to continue. Karl picked his fork up and looked at me.

"Ready?"

"No, I can't."

"Close your eyes and do it, don't focus on eating that only makes it worse." Karl handed me my fork.

I sighed and got a small piece of waffle on my fork and closed my eyes tightly before eating it.

"Try 2 more, then we can be done." Karl encouraged. I quickly shoved two more bites into my mouth and stood up.

"There, now I'm excusing myself." I walked out of the living room and into the bathroom. I kneeled down next to the toilet ignoring all of the knocking on the door.

"Tommy? Tommy can you please open the door? You don't have to do this."

"Go away." I say and lean over the toilet.

"Listen to me, okay? Stand up and open the door." I hadn't noticed the person talking to me wasn't Karl until I paused and heard a British accent.

George.. George wasn't supposed to know about this- how does he- right. The whole 'almost dying' thing, how could I be so dumb the doctors probably found out and told everyone.

I leaned further over the toilet and stuck my finger into the back of my throat. I threw up everything I had eaten and stood up. I flushed the toilet, washed my hands and then brushed my teeth.

I waited a few minutes thinking that George wasn't gone yet and I didn't want to walk out and have to talk to him.

"Tommy? Can you come out now?" Damn it. I slowly unlocked and opened the door. I met gaze with George and he just hugged me. I hate making people feel bad for me. I've been doing this forever and it dosnt hurt anyone else so why should they care. I'm doing it for myself, I'm doing it so people will like me. No one needs to feel sympathy for me.

I pushed away from the hug and left to go to my room. I opened the big white door and entered the dimmed room that was only lit by the rising sun in the window. I walked past my bed and straight into the bathroom. I locked the door and flicked on the lights.

I looked in the mirror at my face. Three small horizontal cuts right along the left side of my face. Now I'm more ugly than I was before, I hate my goddamn face. I lifted my shirt slightly and stared down at my stomach. I dropped my shirt back down covering myself as I wrapped my arms around my torso.

This is why I get so much hate. I'm ugly and fat and I don't deserve anything I have. I brushed through my hair before leaving the bathroom back into my room. I laid down in my bed and took shaky breath. I balled myself under the covers.

I held the blanket close to my face as I cried. I had no true reason to why I was crying but it felt nice. Crying made me feel better. It was like melting the feelings away. I wish someone cared for me but at the same time I feel like I'm being annoying for needing attention.

I'm so selfish

I'm so weak

I'm so dumb

I'm so ugly

Why am I like this.. it's not fair

Everyone else got to be normal but I got fucked up

I wish everything was different, preferably I was dead. If I could choose one thing to change it would be my stairs of being alive. I wish I could go with no pain. I wish I could go without anyone grieving for me. But that's just not how things work.

I covered my face with the blankets and continued to cry silently. I just want to be okay. Is that so much to ask for?

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Word count: 1187

L im tired and my period cramps are killing me, hope you enjoyed this shortish chapter