Crazy In Love

Chapter 12 |Progress|

Last week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I haven't ate or slept. One of the most painful things I have to do is go to work and act like everything is alright when it really isn't. I'm notoriously private about what goes on in my personal life and I like to keep it that way. I'm still progressing from what happened and trying to move forward but it's too hard. There were times that I blamed myself and tried to figure out what I did wrong to cause this miscarriage to happen and Joe wasn't having it. I know Joe is heartbroken as well but he's being strong for me. For us! After having an emotional conversation and love making session with Joe, I feel like I should do the same and move forward but never forget.

I was in bed with Joe laying on top of him after hours of him making love to me. We just didn't want to disconnect from each other. I was still grieving of course. Joe must've been sleep and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I was listening to his heartbeat and I began sobbing and holding on to Joe. I felt Joe playing with my hair and kiss my head.

"Hey, everything is gonna be okay babe," Joe said, softly and kissing my head. I wonder how many couples that went through this move on from it. It was just too painful to go through. I never thought I would get pregnant and then lose a child. I went a week in a half without talking to the love of my life because I was only thinking about how much the loss affected me and right now I feel selfish not thinking about how it affected him as well. I sat up a little and looked up at Joseph.

"What if everything won't be okay, Joe? I'm scared that in the future when I am pregnant again, it's gonna be the same result as last time," I told him.

"Shh. Don't say that. Listen, these last three days I realized that everything happens for a reason. Maybe we weren't meant to have a baby right now. I mean we've only been together for nearly nine months and were not married yet. But I guarantee you that God has a special plan for us one day. We just have to be patient and it will come when you least expect it." I nodded in agreement. Joe was right. Everything does happen for a reason and patience is the key to happiness.

"You're right. Maybe it wasn't the right time to start a family of our own yet and I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you earlier. I guess I was only thinking about how the miscarriage affected me more than how it affected you and I feel bad and selfish for it. The whole time you were being strong for me and trying to be there for me and I was pushing you away in return." Joe put his hands on both sides of my face, leaving his fingers in back of my neck and his thumbs in front of my ears.

"It's okay, baby girl. Like I said before everyone deals with things differently. You dealt with the situation by isolating yourself from everyone that you love and decided to grieve on you're own. Don't beat yourself up over it. I love you no matter what happens between us, okay?"

"Mhmm, I love you, too," I whispered. I kissed his soft lips and lay my head back on his chest. Then he started playing in my hair.

I've been working my ass off to keep my mind off of what happened in my personal life. I figured I just move forward and be happy again. Right now, I'm in Buenos Aires. I've been in my dressing room since rehearsal was over for the show and that was two and a half hours ago and I had less than thirty minutes to put on my costume and do my hair and makeup. My phone had rang and I picked it up and looked at it. It was Kelly and I answered it.

"Hello."

"Hey Bey, I just called to see how you were doing. Are you doing okay?," she asked, concerned. Kelly was more than my childhood friend and ex member from Destiny's Child. She was like an older sister to me and whenever she knew something was going on in my life, her and Daniel would find some way to cheer me up and make me laugh.