Psychology of Love (MYG 18+)

Pride and Regret

***Trigger Warning***

Dr. Min unlocked the room we would always meet in. We walked inside and he flipped the lights on. "Please have a seat." It's the first words he had spoken to me since we got in his car. I sit in my usual spot, and he sits in his. He smiles across from me. My heart pumps. That smile.

"Did Jimin apologize?" He asks me and I reply. "Yes, he felt bad for how he acted." He nods, crossing his legs. "Why did you flinch from him? Has he ever hurt you?" His eyebrows pulled together as he questioned me. I shook my head. "No! He never has! But I had a nightmare with him in it, where he did hurt me." I turn my eyes to the floor.

"Tell me about your nightmare." I take a deep breath, trying to fully remember it. "I came home to my apartment and Jimin was standing with his back to me. He turned around and his eyes were black, he ran up to me and yelled mean things to me. When I started to cry in the dream, he reared his fist back and was about to hit me then I woke up."

Dr. Min sits forward, leaning with his elbows on his knees. "Try to remember, did your apartment look like the one you live in now?" I close my eyes and try to picture the dream. "No, it was my childhood home..." I whisper, with my eyes still closed, I can see it clearly. "Ah."

Standing up, Dr. Min walks over to me and sits on the couch beside me. I scoot over a little bit, making room for him. I'm surprised at his proximity. "Does this dream have relevance to a memory of yours?" I turn to face him and think about his question. "Yes." I say quietly.

"Tell me about the memory. I'm right here." He urges me, his eyes are soft and kind. Those cold siren eyes are gone again. I inhale sharply, I wasn't prepared to delve into my mind palace today. I've locked away these memories for a reason, but it seems they surface through my dreams. When I'm asleep, I have no power over my brain, and it does as it pleases.

"I remember coming home from school one day, I could hear my dad yelling from outside of the house. I wanted to run away and hide, but my mom was in there and I didn't want to abandon her." My voice is already faltering. This memory is already painful. "When I unlocked the door, I walk in and see my dad towering over my mother who is holding her face, tears staining her cheeks. Seeing my mom broken like that, I began to cry as well." I say the words and tears threaten to fall now as I vividly recall the moment.

"My dad walked over to me and yelled "Why the fuck are you crying? What right do you have to cry? You're just a stupid little girl, you don't know how the world fucking works." My tears overflow my eyes and run down my face. "He grabbed my shirt and literally dragged me into my room, threw me inside. I hit the corner of my dresser, it actually caused me to bleed, and I have a scar on my back from it. He told me to rot in this room and slammed my door shut."

Dr. Min wipes my tears with his thumbs. "I'm so sorry you had to relive that," he says softly. I finally make eye contact with him. I had been looking everywhere around the room as I told the story. I felt ashamed, powerless. I was just a weak child back then, but more than anything I wanted to save my mom and myself.

"So, you saw similarities in how Jimin reacted to how your father used to act?" I nod at his question. "He scared you." I nodded again. Dr. Min takes my hands in his, his skin feels so warm against mine. "Did your father ever...hurt you?" I nod again, more tears appearing in my eyes. "Want to tell me about a time that he did?" He asks me but he is hesitant. He almost doesn't want to ask me to tell him but then he knows he must.

"I'll try," I say softly, I look down at Dr. Min's hands holding mine and try to gather courage from it. He was here and I wasn't where I used to be. I'm not the trapped little girl in my nightmares anymore.

"I remember one time; I was playing video games in my room, and I got thirsty. I left my room to get something to drink. I overheard my father talking on the phone. I didn't know it then, but he was talking to a woman, he was cheating on my mom. He got off the phone about the same time I was in the kitchen. He found me and assumed I was eavesdropping. He got so furious. He took his belt off and held me upside down my ankle and whipped my back with the belt. Once he was finished, he literally threw me back into my room and slammed my door shut."

Dr. Min is quiet, so I meet his eyes. His eyes were glassed over, and he blinked away the tears that were about to fall. He sniffs. "Thank you for telling me, you're very strong."

"I can withstand punishment to myself, but what hurt me the most was how he treated my mom. One time he punched her so hard in the face she actually blacked out. I ran to her side to try to help her, but my father just shoved me back and told me to go to my room." I choke out the words, my stomach has a knot in it, I feel nauseous.

Breaking down, I hold my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking as I sob. I hated that memory the most. It hurt me so bad, more than I could ever put into words. Dr. Min wrapped me up in a hug, he brings his hand to the back of my head and pressed my face to his shoulder. I cried against his shoulder. "You're so brave, you know that? You withstood something so horrific for over half of your life. Yet here you are, you are a functioning person in society." I cry harder against his silky shirt, his words hitting home for me.

"Weaker people would have turned to drugs and alcohol, but you are strong. You get out of bed every morning and go into a job you hate. You pay bills, you live, you love, and you smile. From what your mom tells me you love harder than anyone else in the world. You give people your whole heart, even if they don't deserve it, and I think I see that now." My crying calms and I just sit there in his arms, listening to his peaceful, deep voice speak to me.

"You were willing to live an unhappy life if it meant your friend Jimin could truly be happy. I wanted you to put a stop to that possibility before it happened. That's why I told you to tell him. I wanted you to move out so you could be more independent. So, you could see that you were stronger than you realize, and you would be proud of yourself. You need to feel proud of yourself. I'm proud of you."

I sit back and meet his eyes, Dr. Min has the sweetest smile on his face, it makes my heart beat faster. "You don't see the value you hold. You've experienced true heartbreak at such a young age that you could only go up from there. You prospered, you might not see it, but I do. You're beautiful, kind, funny and stubborn. You can offer this world so much just by being you."

My heart was racing as I stared at him. He was saying the sweetest, most encouraging words anyone has ever said to me. Words I didn't know how badly I needed to hear until I did.

"I know I don't truly know you yet, but I'd like to." He tells me, with the gentlest smile across his beautiful face. I was caught up in the moment, feeling overly emotional and I did something I would regret. I grabbed his face and pressed my lips to his. Those perfect, pink lips.