When They See Us (Book 1.0)

Chapter Eleven

Macy

It's been two weeks since I said what I said to Addy. To be honest, at first, I was surprised it ever came out of my mouth. I didn't plan on blowing up on her, and I wanted to take it back the moment it came out. I know I hurt her, but the damage is already done.

The first week sitting next to her in class was hell. I stared, waiting for her to make eye contact with me so she'd know how sorry I was for my hurtful words. But it never happened. She never spoke more than three words to me, and they were "pass the paper." She only said it each time because I withheld the sign-in sheet each morning so that maybe she would give me even the slightest bit of attention.

I skipped school that Friday because I just couldn't bear it anymore. Surprisingly I missed our snarky bickering back and forth. In a way, it felt like we might have been rekindling our forgotten friendship, but I stupidly burnt that bridge. I thought I might have had another chance when I saw her at the party, but I was sadly mistaken. She left me hanging to make out with Brooklyn in front of the whole school. I thought she didn't want anyone to know she liked girls. I guess she just didn't want to be seen with me.

Seeing her kiss someone else caused a fire to boil within me, it also shattered my heart. The image of her lips on that sleazy bimbo is permanently seared in my mind, driving me to crave something more hardcore. I contacted Daniel on my way home after leaving the party, asking if he had any Crystal. I'd never done it before, but I'd seen my adopted dad do it many times. That thrilling, blissful state was exactly where I needed to be right now. Using Coke in any form gives me a similar high, but I'm used to it. I needed something new, something a bit stronger. I don't want to overdose per-se, but I do want to take just enough so I'm right on that border of life and death, left questioning why I make the decisions I do.

That night I sat in my room with the rubber tourniquet wrapped above my elbow, contemplating if I should really go down this road. This wasn't my first drug, and it probably wouldn't be my last. I lit the small lighter under the spoon full of shiny clear rocks. I watched as the flame began melting the drugs. I grabbed a syringe, drew the substance, and injected myself with it before I could overthink what I was doing. As I closed my eyes to let the new feeling set in and the drugs absorb into my bloodstream, the rush hit me like a ton of bricks.

That wasn't the last of this new high I was chasing. Every time I would come down from it, I'd simply do it again. It was as if the moment it wore off, the thought of the brown hair blue eye beauty would impale my mind. And I'd do anything in my power to push the thought of her away.

Monday came along... I attempted to walk to school, but my legs gave out as the sky spun above me until I closed my eyes and decided to sleep in the alleyway by my house. I didn't wake up until my phone started ringing continuously from Daniel's calls.

The days flew past me. Some mornings I'd actually attended school and kept my hoodie dawned, while others, I just overslept and refused to get up. I tried to participate in the NA meetings Mrs. Reed got me into, I would go, but stand in the doorway instead of sitting down and sharing my pathetic story with newcomers every week. There were maybe one or two people who kept their sobriety coins and continued to get better while others like me continued to fall off the wagon, over and over again.

It's Thursday, and I finally have the courage to get up and go to school. I skipped yesterday and Tuesday, but I'm getting used to the amount I've been injecting, so I feel fine to go. As I'm walking out the door, I grab my hoodie and pull it over my body to cover the bruises on my arms. Not even 2 minutes after walking into the school's front doors, I hear my name being called. I turn my head and I'm met with Mrs. Reed giving me a stern look.

I groan under my breath and walk to her office. When she closes the door, I take a seat and rest my chin on my palm, waiting for her to settle in her chair in front of me. She looks me over and leans back, sighing.

"What is going on with you?'' Usually, I am met by a compassionate guidance counselor who gives sweet greetings, but this time I got a hardened expression and clenched jaw from her. I roll my eyes and look at the bookshelf not wanting to answer. "You've been skipping school."

"And?"

"And we talked about you not skipping school to graduate."

"Am I failing?"

She looks through a folder on her desk. "Surprisingly... no."

"Then what's the problem?"

She inhales deeply. "The problem is you are pushing the limit of the unexcused absences, and it's only the first month of school."

I bit on the sleeve of my hoodie and shrugged. "Oh well."

"Oh well? Where have you been?"

"Not school, that's for sure." I laugh to myself, still staring at the spines of the books on her shelf.

"This isn't funny."

I look her in the eyes and smile. "Oh, but it quite literally is."

She shakes her head and begins to write something down. "I know you are hurting." Her voice is low and sympathetic.

"No... no, you don't. You don't know shit!"

"Watch your language in my office." Her tone turns harsh from being disrespected, but it hardly phases me. "Take the hood off your head in the building." I ignored her at first but decided to listen to her authority. She gets a good look at me, and I revert my gaze elsewhere, not wanting to see her disapproval. "Jeez Macy, look at you. When was the last time you brushed your hair or slept? You have bags under your eyes and..."

"I don't need a fatherly lecture. If I wanted one, I'd go to my own."

"And you think he would give you better advice?"

"Who says I need advice?"

"By the looks of it Ms. Tanner, you need a lot of advice, and soon. You are circling the drain. What happened to everything we worked on to start getting you better?"

"Yeah well, maybe I don't want to get better." She adjusts her suit top and sits up in her chair. I see out of the corner of my eyes as she leans on the desk and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"Why?" She whispers.

"Why what?"

"Why a change of heart all of a sudden. You were doing so well."

"Because I'm a fuck up! Okay? Your little plan to bring your daughter and me back together failed. It did nothing but drive us further apart. I should have never listened to you."

"Macy..."

"No, don't Macy me! Everyone I have ever cared about has left me. My own damn mother abandoned me. I am a lost cause! So just stop wasting your time!"

She stares at me as the tears well up in my eyes, but I don't allow them to fall. I can't recall the last time I actually did. I can't afford to fall apart or to dwell on the past because I would completely give up on life. It's too much, and because of them, I've been down memory lane more times in the last three weeks than I have in the last three years.

I stand up and grab my bag next to me. "Here." I watch as she writes me a tardy slip and extends her arm for me to take it. Pulling my hoodie back over my head, I turn my back on her and walk towards her door without taking the paper.

As I reach the door and open it, I hear her stand from her seat behind me. "You aren't a lost cause Macy" I glance over my shoulder, seeing her intensely staring at me.

"Yeah? Tell that to my mother and your daughter." Ending the conversation, I leave her there and walk right off the school grounds back to my house. Skipping school yet again.