Life's a rollercoster

42.

-What do you actually suggest, that my life consists only of having a sex life? Its my only value, as a senseless, pitiful, bad mannered individual? Don't you think I have no other feelings? I deeply loved my wife. Like nobody else before. I wanted to settle for her, even have kids one day.
- but you have a kid.
- yeah, but that kinda happened when we broke up. But I never stopped loving her. Never.
- and now?
- now... I don't know. You must have surely see US on the news, so you know what happened. I don't think I love her as much as I hate her. She accused me of awful things.
-like?
- assault, sexual violence, aggression against her and our daughter... Ava was 6 months old then for gods sake....
- was any of IT true?
- I could have been distant and cold, or limited in Words, but never put up a Hand on a woman. Never. Not mentioning the Child. And this sexual violence... Everything I ever did beyond the usual borders was at her agreement, with mutual will. Im not that kind of Man, doctor. Id rather kill myself that hurt my wife or daugher, or any other woman at all.
- IT broke you, the accusation.
- yes because all my life I never imagined to be husband or father myself. I proposed to her, before she got pregnant. We had the wedding planned. Children were meant to be later, my wife was a lot younger than me. So I took IT into consideration. Just not yet. But its happened. IT was disturbed pregnancy, My wife almost died at the birth. After that all started to clear. ANd tHen the accident. I hardly made IT. They were both injured. Not caused by me but its was my fault.
- why your fault?
- I was taking Adderall at that time.
She went quiet for a while, waiting him to continue. He was waiting for her reaction.
But there was none.
- she stopped visiting me. Not brought my baby even once. If not my sister- in law...
-... The one of two weeks ago?
-....yeah. the one- he muttered annoyed- i wouldnt have seen Ava - my daughter, in weeks. Something changed in her head tHen. Everyone was shocked when she made her accusations, me including I was devastated. I was instantly moved to a close psychiatric ward. If not my brother -in - law, Id stay there forever.
- did you testify?
- yes. IT was humiliating. All the guys I knew looked at me suspiciously. When All the witnesses quoted on my side they let me go. THen I found the baby.
- do you have problems with addictions?
- not anymore. I also never took any pill since then. Stopped drinking since Im Alone with the baby. I run the house, I work, meet my friends sometimes.
- and the thing with your wife's  relative ?
- just a nightie. Long story, don't want to talk about IT as IT meant nothing. To me nothing. Please leave IT aside, as its unimporant and I want to forget about that once and for all.
- you know when I look at you from aside- the first thing I see is a troubled Man. Were you always like that?
-... Hmmm. I guess yes. All my life I was always adult. Never had this child's joy my daughter Has, and Jaime- my nephew, or any other kids. I always was to be quiet, learn well, and not to bother my parents too much. Especially my father.
- did you feel loved?
-Never. Not by my parents. I had people around me WHO gave me warmth and love, but They somehow continuously disappeared from my life - first my friend, his family... THen his uncle whom I owe so much - he died after my university studies. My Boss and my collegue Alexx started to treat me like parents - as until this day I consider them as my real parents. I love them and care for them.
- so you got the support finally.
- yeah. My work is my home, and colleaugues- friends are my family. Courtney- my wife- was also broken at home, workers gave her lots of support. And her brother with his wife of course.
-Mister Speedle... you do understand that you don't have to thank for love, dont you? You still emphasize that you owe something to somebody. No. You love somebody in return. Its enough. Not more must be done. But its seems nobody taught you that.
-maybe- he bowed his head.
- and what kind of parent are you?
- I can do everything with a baby- change, wash, Feed, take to the doctor, Play ...
-.... No. Not what I meant. This can every babysitter do. What are you around your daughter?
-...oh that. I wasn't expecting her. But as my girlfriend's belly started to grow I started to love her with all my heart. I spent long hours at her bed when she was sleeping. Still can't believe I was able to make  such a Perfect little human. I love her and  I would give up everything for her.
- even your job?
- no, not this one. I have to earn for living and I also love my job. My daughter will also be a great CSI one day.
She smiled.
- IT was beautiful what you said.
I guess its all for today. For next week I want you to do some things.... -She bowed over her notes explaining him. He listened carefully, nodding from time to time.