Love is poison, Love is paradise

Chapter 13

Hannah

Like in a silent film. I was flying home. Already somewhere above Europe. Sometimes, some moments in my life sneak in and it feels like it's not with you. That this is not your life. It's just a movie. Mute.

This is how I felt when I read a text message, took out a SIM card and threw it in the trash. I will not need it anymore. Because I was flying home. Because he was the one who brought it to me, he was the one who wrote all those nice things... and at the end wrote it.

I wonder if there is a curse of first sex. You know, I'm 100% sure that it is. I even laughed. I think it was a hysterical laugh, and people looked at me strangely. First Tyler... now Max... the saddest thing is that the situations are identical and the feelings are different. When Tyler did this, I lost faith in men, in their integrity and loyalty. And when he did it... I lost faith in love.

As under hypnosis, I went to passport control. Now, sitting in an airplane, I am starting to come to my senses a little; at the same time, I did not realize at all what was going on around me. People... suitcases... planes... noise....

I loved this man so much that I wanted to give up everything and stay with him. All I wanted was to be the only one for him and to be the only one for me. Just to know that he loves me. Feel that he can't live a day without...us. I have weighed everything. And I made a decision. All he had to do was come. Listen to me. To take us to a new life.

It's even funny. I had to make a decision. And he made it. Probably, I should say thank you to him. And I would say. If I had not already made a decision. If I did not love him. If I had...

"Oh yes... ah..." I moaned. "More... don't stop..."

He entered me with quick tremors that exploded volcanoes inside me... I was all flowing... bending out... biting my lip... crushing my bed...

"Baby... you are so beautiful... I will never be able to enjoy you fully..."

Shit. It seems that I fell asleep. It was a terrible dream. I had a dream about him. Our first sex. Our yesterday. His touches. His promise to be there for him... His admiration... And then he started to swim away in the dark, and I was screaming... and shouting... It was creepy.

A good question came up. Why am I not crying? It's as if I don't feel anything. It's as if between worlds. I'm stuck. Hmm. It is. One world there with him in Ukraine, and another world on another continent in America. And it seems that one of them is a mirage, and the other is reality. Fortunately, I am returning to reality.

Probably, I will not cry. It is strange.

Now it is as if a slight numbness. You know, as long as the 'painkiller' works, it is possible to beat a little bit. So, it is time to ask yourself the scariest question. Why did he leave?

When Tyler left, I thought that maybe I did something wrong in our first sex. Although that would be a stupid reason to break up. This is a problem that can be discussed. Everything was definitely okay with Max... so this naive option is gone... Well, maybe he decided that it would be better for me to fly away... But it doesn't make sense, because he wanted me to stay so much... And he had no right to decide for me. Maybe his final goal was just sex, not our joint future. Well, then he is just a great actor. Or maybe he did, but he understood that it was not enough? Maybe he decided that he couldn't cope with relations from a distance? Yes, most likely, he did... But he would have come to say goodbye anyway. Because only underwear sends a text.

And he is not a coward. He is gentle and caring, passionate and impatient, he is so charming, strong and talented... He is everything I have ever wanted... He is a man from my future... That is what I thought. And there was a man from the past.

There was half an hour left till boarding. I inserted an American SIM card into my phone. I am going back to my old life. To the old problems. Back to my old self. Although, no. It seems that I will never be the same again.

Thank you to Max for forgetting the Tyler story with him. For convincing me to give my parents a chance. For not doing anything I don't want to do now... I will build my life. I will be free.

Yes, I can't hate him. For some moments. But for others, I hate him with all my heart. From love to hatred in our case is really one step. It is not only about this text ... it is about all those weeks of happiness that he gave me. He gave me wings, and then took them away.

I got off the plane and followed a crowd of people. Soon I will come to my senses. I will see my parents and start to feel something. Exactly, it will be like that... My relatives are here... My family... A real family.

My mom and dad stood with a Bell sign, waving their hands and smiling widely. It seems that I do not know what my parents look like. They are so funny. It was funny. But I was not laughing.

"Honey, hello!" Mom and dad simultaneously hugged me. I hugged them in return.

"What is it? You look upset. Probably, very tired from the road? Still, there are three transplants," Mom asked too many questions.

"Girls, can we go straight to our favorite restaurant, how do you look at it? Let us note Hannah's return," Daddy was determined.

"We are so glad that you are back!" Mom was shining.

"Me too... I'm sorry... I'm very tired and would like to go home..." only I could squeeze it out.

We drove home in complete silence. Mom and dad looked at each other all the time. I did not feel anything when I saw them... Nothing. They were just people. My parents. And I have not seen them for a long time. I missed them. I know. But I just did not feel anything.

My dad helped me to bring the suitcase into the house. Mom made tea and asked me what I would like for dinner. I just shook my shoulders. Jimmy's dog licked my hands and tried to jump on me. I stroked him cheerfully on top. But even this was not sincere. I do not know what I wanted.

I went up to the second floor to my room to lay out my suitcase. At that moment Beth's room was on the screen, and 'My Paradise' sounded from the speaker... He put it on my call... I was in a hot wave of pain, disappointment, madness... I felt everything. Tears rolled by the river... I shouted from helplessness and grabbed the back of the bed... It was painful... physically... I could not stop them... so hot and salty... I tried to muffle my sobs, but it did not work...

It didn't work out... Because... I love him... I love him so much... And I just can't live without him...