Inside the Madness of My Mind

Deranged Cage

My leash has come undone

Now unchained it can't be outrun...

It keeps running and running and running

In the end there is always nothing.

It's running rampant leaving its mark

Leaving my heart so stark!

I just keep falling down in my plights

I'm struggling to even crawl the grip is so tight...

Twisting around and around and around

Like a merry go round!

My mind is wound with no protection

With all my hopes just a projection.

I want to breathe but I am so strung

It's like something is squeezing my lungs!

I am a monster trapped in a cage

Wishing I was a bird uncaged!

I wish I was a bird free to search

Instead I feel like the cage in reserve.

I'm bending in every way

With stability that is "okay".

If only it could change

I could be the bird free of derange.

Inside the mind: Okay so this is a rough one to explain right now. Everything I am feeling now is just so raw. Here I am in 2022 going through perhaps the roughest break up in my life. Maybe as of right now only. Everything is swirling through my mind currently right now just drowning in pain. I wish I could numb the feeling but then I would be sacrificing my humanity which is something I don't want to do. Even if emoting and expressing myself is so hard to do. It is self isolating for sure. Not by complete choice either because I wish I could open up to people but alas with my pride and social anxiety it isn't an option. I just honestly refuse to let my issues and burdens be someone else's when they could be focusing on something more important. It is my own mental block for sure that just makes me feel like I am only a cage. I can only hold stuff in but I can't be the bird to be truly free to express myself without a guilty conscience. Maybe it's because in the past anytime I do open up I feel like I am made to be the bad guy. Guilty for trying to open up and make myself heard. Guilty for trying to make something about me. Guilty for guilt tripping someone with my emotions. So I keep my mouth shut so I can't guilt trip. So I keep my mouth shut so I can't be the spotlight. So I keep my mouth shut only to still be made the bad guy. I wish so much to have an ear to hear my sorrow and deepest thoughts. I wish to be the bird in the story. Yet I can't do it. I can't burden others with my suffering. It isn't fair to them when they have their own demons to deal with. I choke up and words can't escape my throat as well which makes things twice as hard when I do break down to someone. I am trapt with my own deranged mindset especially when I am alone. I have it best chained up when I am with someone. When I am in love with someone it helps ease the pain caused by my demon. He becomes almost a footnote in my mindset. It's almost as if my significant others words take complete precedent over my own demons. When I have no one to hold the chains I am too weak to hold it myself. Honestly for me the worst part about my depression is it doesn't make sense. I have no distinguishable origin point. I have a wonderful family, wasn't bullied that much in school, and I had zero reasons to have depression when it started. I know it has spiraled since then because I let it grow out of control. One person can only be a stone wall for so long. I'm sorry for the long rant but then again this is after all inside my mind while I made this poem. That is what this section is for that being said I am sorry for the ramble rant. Just want you all to know that while I may be a deranged cage for the moment I am doing okay. I always bounce back somehow. It just takes a hot minute for me to rechain my demon even if only periodically. Especially alone. Life surely is an enigma.