Inside the Madness of My Mind

True Pain

I feel myself shutting down with such gravity,

disconnecting from reality...

My mind is struggling with morality!

I feel so monstrous and vilified

Which leaves me terrified!

I don't want this to seem like a cry for help

As I walk my path alone slyly

Even if this is a goodbye as I sail into the sky...

Coming to grips with the brain that is mine

As its design leaves me to resign.

I feel like a devil disguised in sheep's clothing

I can't help but see myself loathing.

I can't help but feel like an antagonist

I could never pull off being a protagonist.

I'm a hurdle to conquer not a goal to consider which is clearer

When I see myself staring back in the mirror!

My mind is so torn with everything

It's like my thoughts are being buried.

Inside my heart I harbor this madness

Making me wish I could see the grandness.

Fearing all the worst in my voids

I wish I could just find a state of poise.

Yet this twisted mind chooses the latter

Leaving my heart to scatter...

To feel alright again seems so far

I'm just left with all these invisible scars.

Lamenting my poor past or fantasizing the faint future.

How could I possibly stay in the proper present?

Wishing I could forget it all

But can I even forgive myself at all?

I wish I could say no one cared

Then it would be so easy to disappear...

I just want to fade away

Yet my heart refuses to decay!

I am bearing down the weight of the truth

Waiting for the pain to finally soothe.

I walk with this heavy pain on my chest alone

So I can't burden anyone with my true pain.

Inside the Mind: Okay so you might be wondering what all the underlining is. So I have been posting a lot of the poems to my Facebook lately. Made Fears, Human Feelings, Unyielding Love, and Lucid Dreams. I posted all of them with a group of pictures. Accept I only put the poem attached to the picture that I made for the poem on here and not in the main "What are you thinking" portion.  Back when I was in 8th grade up until maybe Junior year I also posted poems to Facebook in the style of edited profile pictures or covers. Like I wrote the whole poem on the picture itself. I am getting off topic just about where were we?? Oh yes why I underlined some words and lines. It is mainly to gimmick my poem on FB so I can censor some of what I feel are darker. I did not post Deranged Cage on Facebook because I deemed it too dark and personal. So instead the picture just simply said the bird Kafka quote. It got 2 likes XD. So back on track you can see the picture I made for the poem is glitching out and has an error. It is corrupted essentially. My true pain is glitching out because it is mine alone and no else to burden. So where it is one or two word underlined this appears R̸̬̫̬̉̂e̸̝͇̥̘͎͉͐d̷̖͔̙͕̞̫͇͚̱̏̍̎̈a̶̡̛̝͖̻̟̙̘͇̎͊̐̈́͌́̒̿ͅç̷̡̱̣̯̟̩̘̾̽̆̿̈́̍͝͝ẗ̷̢͕͙́͌̈́̍̀̄̓̚ê̴̡̧̱̹̠̲͇̓d̷̼̮͔̦͈̭̲̯̐̉͑̅͘̕̚͝. When it is a whole line or half a line this appears C̷̖͈͇͕̟̥̦̦̆̓̒́̌́͘̕ö̴̱̻̝̞͍́̑͆̒̚r̵̙̀͂ŗ̸̡̰͎̣̜͓̏ͅu̵̠̻̦͗͋͒͐̓̅̿̐̀̕p̷̡̢̟̰͇͇̳̾t̶̗͚̊e̸̼͑͂̉͆ḑ̵̹̮͇̪͍̗̺͝ ̴̨̘̪̖̻̜̣̈́̅̐͂̇ͅF̸̛̗̝̔͊̊̓̈́̑͂ȋ̵̛̻̣̠̥͇̬̳̗͉̎́̓͗̈́̌͘l̴̙̭̦̬̯̭̩͕̪̇̽͜ẻ̶̡̛͚̠͍̝̠̰̫͂̔̑̎. Given the feel of the poem being corrupted even after I am obviously withholding information as well to keep some of my cards. Like I say in one line I don't want this poem to be or be construed as a cry for help because it isn't. This poem is me laying some of my pain out there to see but also telling I don't want help. This is my struggle. Respect it. The poem in general is talking about my struggles with being important to people. I can't disappear because I know at least one person loves me. You know who you are Beau. XD. JK JK I know more people than Beau loves me for who I am. I obviously have my family, my friends, and my sister's friends who are all almost like pseudo sisters. Love all you guys.  They all were pretty influential in who I became today. They all made my life a little better in some way shape or form. I probably learned one of the best lessons from Jessica and she probably doesn't even know I took that lesson from her. That itself is the smaller part in the poem. I have a much larger theme obviously. Which is my reflection issue where I truly see myself as a antagonist. I feel like I have been vilified for opening up or shutting down so much in my life that I started to feel like a villain. Anytime I expressed my displeasure in my last relationship I was shut down with a fault of mine that angered her. It was like I did something she didn't like so it didn't matter that she did something that irritated me. So I eventually just stopped expressing my issues because I knew the outcome would make me feel even more like a villain. Now as the relationship ends and she expresses more of her issues with me I feel even more vilified. What scares me most as I put it in the poem is it terrifies me. It terrifies me because I think the feeling is valid that I am a villain. I don't help people I love at all. I instead leave them worse than when I found them. I leave myself even worse than when I met them. All I want is to entertain and make people forget their sorrow. Make them see they aren't alone. That is my dream in life why I want to write! Why I love to write. Record videos, audio recordings, make artworks or what other creative things I do. Alright I feel like I've rambled on enough about my thoughts of me being a villain. Now I must go write on some walls I guess. (It's a joke.)