Here I stand wondering if it is ever meant to be
A life with another wrapped in beauty.
Have I ever even been a good partner at all?
I wonder more and more every time I fall.
Is it always just an infatuation?
The fading love of imagination!
Maybe I am just too hard to love
Maybe all I need is a good shove.
Everyone thinks I am a real catch because of my hair
Falling for it is like a snare.
Only to grow bored of my stale personality
Bringing me back down to reality.
A quiet charm that always falters
Making me feel like an imposter.
I'm stuck here with my coin of choices
Hearing all the words in my head like a poison.
On one side I crave the companionship of another
To hold, support, and love her through every season forevermore.
On the other side I feel unworthy of another's love
Like a disease poisoning the dove!
Desperate to be the sparkle in someone's eyes
Only to feel like a monster cutting ties.
Yet here I still stand wondering if it will ever be...
Wondering if someone will ever truly want boring old me.
Inside the Mind: Okay so this has been mulling in my brain for a while now. Ever since the breakup to be honest. I even felt this after my last breakup before her in 2015. I am pretty sure almost all my relationships have ended because my partners feelings for me devolved into friendship only. Sure my last one was a little more complicated than that however I can't help but feel that statement is a little true still. My hope on love dwindles every time leaving me to ponder the thought. Do I even have a soulmate? Am I capable of being loved? After the break up in 2015 I had kinda resigned myself from searching for love myself. Didn't think I deserved it. Hell I still don't. That being said I guess you can label me as a hopeless romantic because I do enjoy being in a relationship with someone. After my last relationship though ending I was left in a worst state of mind about myself as a partner. I was so constantly vilified in small ways I convinced myself she was right. I am a villain because I had grievousness's of my own. I am a villain because I am grey ace with a huge uncomfortable feeling towards sexual stuff. So yes I am the villain because I couldn't be the main initiator. I am the villain for wanting to do YouTube. I'm the villain for wanting to make blogs on Amino. I'm never gonna tell her either because she doesn't need this on her head. She did tell me to accept myself for being AroAce (This was shortly after the Jaidenanimations video; I am NOT aromantic just to be clear.) only to follow up with how my Ace habits hurt her. Honestly how can I see it in a positive light if she literally just told me all these negatives ways it affected her? I am still struggling to see the positive in being Ace after that conversation in March. Even if I am only grey ace and not fully ace. Like I am not to the point where I am swearing it off. I am just really uncomfortable with it. So whoever I am with has to be the main initiator if they want it. It also confuses me because I have a type and physical attraction but yet the sexual aspect in general is just weird to me. Btw this doesn't really include kissing and hugging and the cuddly nature stuff. I am fine with that but just not as conscious of it as much as a normal person might be. It makes me really wonder if I can really even consider myself a part of the LGBTQA+ community? It's why I haven't really made this information public to the people around me when I know and am friends with a lot of people in the LGBTA+ community. Really only my two best friends and her know. I would feel fake trying to consider myself apart of the LGBTQA+ community because I am only grey ace who at the end of the day is a white straight male. I may not care for sex at all but I am still only attracted in being in a relationship with a girl. Wow this really turned into a rant about me being mixed on my grey ace and where I stand within the LGBTQA+ community huh. Regardless I have and will always be an ally to the community. Enough of my confused tangent. Sorry. The ace stuff is another reason why I don't know if I should really be in a relationship going forward. What if me being Ace hurts another person I can't help that I fell for. Am I just a monster again for falling for someone and wanting to pursue them? Then again I guess that's why going on dates before making it official is a thing huh. My other big reason aside from my Ace stuff which I didn't really make clear in the poem again because I am not out out yet to the greater public. I've hinted before in older poems as well. I digress the other point is I feel people get infatuated with me because of my hair. That beyond my hair which let's be honest is my greatest physical quality i feel like I get boring. I am a creature of habit. I am very calm, cool, and collected and I don't get very excitable if that makes sense. I am quiet and lowkey. I just feel very weird and awkward when getting excited like I don't know how to express myself really. Unless I am being weird and quirky joking around. Then I can kinda feign the emotion in an exaggerated way. I guess one of my greatest fears in a relationship is my partner finding me to be boring after the infatuation over my hair has faded. (Again kinda using the hair thing as a joke but a lot of the girls I have dated initially looked at me and found me attractive because of my hair. ) Like the love was just an imagination the entire time. So that is why I called my hair a snare. My hair is my attention getter XD. I don't get compliments on anything but my hair really. Strangers will look at me and say hey I like your hair. They have even said don't ever change your hair it is great the way it is. Just recently on Hallows Eve a girl I have a crush on and have had one on since May/June spoke to me for the first time. What did she say you ask? Well it was Hey I really like your hair. XD. I am not lying when I say if I was bald or had short hair I would probably be single for the rest of my life. That and no one would have anything to compliment me on. Yes this is indictive of how I feel about my looks in general. This has been a long winded rant about how I find myself boring, The whole mixed grey ace feelings, and my tortured view on if I should even find someone to be with at all despite my desire to be in a relationship. So this has been weighing a lot more heavily on my mind. I am sorry for anyone who read through all this madness XD. Have a good one guys.
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Inside the Madness of My Mind
PoetrySome people have suggested I put all my poems in one little package. Well I figured I should do just that. So please enjoy the poems I've written from all stages of my life since I was fourteen years old. I am going to put them in order of of well r...
