Inside the Madness of My Mind

Bleeding Heart

I am trying my hardest to keep a hold of my heart

Hoping it all just doesn't fall apart.

I struggle to see my heart for what I hope to show

But my demon is deep inside telling me it's all a faux.

I'm afraid my grip is failing

As my demon keeps on scaling!

My mind is bleeding with so much self doubt

That the demon inside me is stirring throughout.

I want to break free of the hopeless drought

But my heart feels like it's bleeding out.

How could anyone dare to love me?

When I feel I leave all hearts in debris!

How could anyone want to be close to me?

When I am so used to building up my walls so grandiose!

I'm tired of feeling like this grotesque monster

With an ace on my shoulder as my thoughts continuously wander.

I have all this guilt for simply existing

As my demon lies hidden doing all the twisting.

I want to escape this mindset before I completely unravel

However I can't convince myself that I deserve to win this battle!

Is this what I deserve?

This is what my demon has observed.

Is that what I have earned?

In spite of all that I have yearned?

I wonder so often why I feel this way

Because I have no answer that I can display.

Just this bleeding heart hidden from sight

As I mask it all like everything is just alright.

The jester always finds his way on my face

Leaving the despair hidden behind the mask without a trace.

Hiding the harsh thoughts

Behind my mask's shining gloss.

Deep in my eyes I'm drowning in despair.

Every search I fail to find a reason for anyone to care.

Drowning in the thoughts of how I feel completely unearned...

Drowning in the thoughts of how I'm not worth a chance...

Drowning in the thoughts of how I shouldn't matter...

Drowning in the thoughts of how I'm the villain...

Afterall who am I really?

Does it even really matter this query?

I often ponder these thoughts over and over again

Huh? What a weird time for it to rain. 

Inside the Mind: So this one is hard to talk about. I thought Masking Comedy and True Pain were the most exposing I would do. Then I must have laughed at myself and said I can go deeper. The very first line is a callback line to Made Fears Not one for one but definitely similar. The very last line is also a reference to Fullmetal Alchemist. Mustang says this during Hugh's funeral.  I think the overall tone is pretty clear. I feel my heart bleeding in multiple areas. Doubt, Worth, Reason, Purpose. The demon is stirring and twisting it all to his desired chaotic mess. This is basically me struggling to distinguish a me without my demon. Who am I? Who could I be without my demon? Right now I can't find anything good. I still hear the words of my ex echoing throughout my head of how I am the villain. About how my asexuality hurt her. Should I even embrace a part of myself that hurt her so? She told me afterwards to embrace it. There is no doubt I am, I do not deny it. After everything she said though how I could even possibly look at it as a positive thing. She just explained to me outright how I was a villain and a monster for it. How can you vilify me for it then tell me to embrace it? To be fair I have this whole other mental struggle about my asexualness. Its weird to have a physical type and attraction but not really be interested in sex itself. I just find the acts very weird and uncomfortable. Especially the stuff that would be done on me. How does that even work? Maybe I can write a poem focusing on this topic in general in the future. I guess this poem is about my demon gaslighting me XD now that I really think about it.