Inside the Madness of My Mind

Gravedigger

I'm a heart full of cascading emotions

That I've locked behind my pride.

I don't know how to handle this overflowing feeling

As I struggle with the concept of even healing!

Am I even human anymore?

I can't tell with this heart of mine that is so sore!

My mind keeps falling, Just keeps slipping

As my hands just keep on digging!

Why am I like this???

Why do I keep Digging???

Why can't I stop these hands???

I see the dirt rise and fall back down

Leaving a dent in the ground where I will drown.

I am trying to see in a clear light

But my mind is stuck in the dark veil of night

I've stirred up so much dust

I'm not sure If I'm the one crying anymore in this hunt

This hunt for my own humanity

As I try to escape my own vanity!!

Is this why I keep on digging???

To hide what I don't like so I can keep on blindly living???

How long can I keep burying these ugly traits???

How long until I bury myself tired of the mistakes.

This tidal wave of emotions keeps on pushing

As I try to silence my mind to avoid the crushing.

I'm screaming on the inside with a wicked smile on my face

Staring down my grave hoping to not leave a trace!

Yet here I stand at the edge of the grave

Standing unbudged in this cascading wave!

I stand strong as I might to prevent the fall

Avoiding the grave I dug even if in the end I have to crawl!

I'm seeing red as I crawl away gripping onto anything I have left

What I have left is not a hundred percent...

What I have left is not content...

What I have left is not a complete descent...

What I am left with is a heavy chest!

What I am left with is a mind obsessed!

What I am left with is still the best!

I am able to stay away from the hole I have dug

Because I am left with the best reason despite my issues that are amok!

All of you!

Inside the Mind: I guess this one isn't as heavy handed as Bleeding Heart was which were both written in the same month by the way. Honestly this has a more consistent theme as well. It's all about me digging my own grave. I am the master of my own demise which I have never been shy about. I have no origin for it yet I continue to let it control me. Maybe not control but I definitely let it hinder me. I also mention how maybe I am just burying all the traits I don't like about myself. Mostly in my vanity moments. Like liking my hair or stuff like that. I don't know it conflicts with my humble side but I guess goes hand in hand with my Leo-ness. I also mention that how long can I hold out before I break and just bury myself which as you find by the end is just an empty threat. I have mentioned this before that as long as people care about me I cannot end myself. I am also too much of a people pleaser to make people hate me just for the sake of making it easier on myself. I may be a mess that is for sure. Someone confused in every aspect of who they are. Questioning their worth in everything. Yet here I am still standing. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon either.