The Weekend - Completed

Chapter 49

James huffed haughtily pulling me back into the here and now, and rather than answering his question I shrugged my shoulders knowing any explanation I gave couldn't possibly satisfy him. Pouring the rest of the wine into our glasses, hoping to distract him I grabbed another bottle from the fridge and taking him by the arm escorted him into the lounge.

I had known James long enough to know his sudden insatiable interest in my life was a diversion from what was going on in his own.

"So how are you doing?" Already guessing what his answer would be.

"Oh you know I'm fine." His nonchalant reply not fooling anybody.

"Oh fine, really?" I shook my head disapprovingly before continuing "Right well if everything is fine with you, then how is your mum doing?" With my arm hooked through his I could feel his whole body sag next to me.

"James tell me what's going on" I asked giving his arm a squeeze. He blew out a huge, slow breath and I watched as he got control of his emotions.

"She has good days and bad days; you know what it's like." He replied sadly, I could see the pain on his face and me heart contracted as I remembered the agony of watching my mum waste away to cancer, knowing there was nothing I could do to help her and knowing I would have given anything to be able to relieve her pain.

As the disease savaged her body until she was little more than a skeleton wrapped in ill fitting, paper thin skin, the sight which still haunted my dreams was watching my mum smile through the searing pain as she tried to convince us the morphine had worked and she was comfortable. Years later I had learnt she had refused pain relief at the end because she couldn't bear the thought of losing a single, precious moment of clarity, I guess she just wanted to make sure we had enough memories so we would always know she loved us.

As I watched the stress of the last few months weigh heavily on James I knew this was just the beginning, cause even after all these years I still missed her, and as clichéd as it sounds there was a hole in my heart which should have been filled by my mum, there had been so many events in my life I wanted to share with her, both good and bad, when I needed her.

"So what have the doctor's said?" I knew from his expression the prognosis was grave.

"There is nothing they can do, they were amazed she beat it the first time, but secondary cancer is always far more aggressive, she doesn't stand a chance." He shook his head and closed his eyes, a slow trickle of tears started to fall.

"Oh Alex, it's killing me, I hate seeing her in so much pain all the time, but then I'm wracked with guilt because I don't think I can bear to lose her. I know it's selfish but I'm not ready to say goodbye yet." His body heaved as he sobbed into my embracing arms.

"When the time comes, you will be." I promised, as he buried his head in between my chin and my shoulder and sobbed quietly I allowed my own tears to fall. My heart ached knowing the suffering and overwhelming grief he was facing would change him forever, even during those brief moments of pure happiness there would always be a shadow lurching in the back of his sub-consciousness reminding him of his loss.

Even after his tears had dried and the second bottle of wine was drained, his face was still etched with agony.

"James, what's wrong?"

"I feel like I'm losing everything." As his eyes filled with tears a sad half smile glanced across his face. "When my mum dies who will I have left, my sister have their own lives and my dad, well?"

"Has your dad still not come round?" I asked incredulously.

"No" he whispered shaking his head, "He can't even stand to be in the same room as me, he's pretending for mum's sake that he's accepted me but..." He paused as he swallowed the lump of emotion rising in his throat.