The Weekend - Completed

Chapter 50

"Well?" I asked rather curtly, not even bothering to hide my irritation, as I handed him his cup of tea.

"You really can't stand me, can you?" He replied with a slight laugh in his tone as he looked into the steaming hot cup and smiled ruefully.

"Is that what you want to talk about?" I bit back.

"No" he muttered avoiding eye contact as he shook his head infinitesimally. "But I couldn't blame you if you did; you always just seem to bring out the worst in me." As he tried to explain his perpetual prick-like behaviour towards me I raised my eyes to the sky.

"Chris, it's getting late, now what do you want?" I studied my watch to emphasise my point, not looking up from the tea his silence stretched on.

"Don't tell me you're having second thoughts!" I could feel my blood-pressure rising and rising.

"God no, but do you think it can ever really work? I mean look at you and Joel, I thought the two of you had a perfect marriage, I can't go through what he did, I couldn't survive losing her." I was surprised by his the pained, earnest expression as he finally lifted his head to meet my eyes.

"Chris, she loves you, god only knows why, I've tried to make her see sense enough times but she loves you. I haven't got a crystal ball, I'm not clairvoyant, I don't know how your lives will turn out but I do know she loves you with everything she has and you can't ask for anything more than that. You and Katie are nothing like me and Joel, it's like you complete each other, we were never like that." Now it was my turn to look down sadly at the cup I held in my hand.

"I don't understand, why did you marry him? If you knew the way you felt, you must have known it would end like this, so how could you put him through it, lead him on, you know you broke his heart...no, actually you destroyed him?" His words sliced into me, of course I knew the pain I'd caused Joel was unforgivable but it was never something I had intentionally done.

"I never thought I'd hear myself saying these words, but I envy you Chris. Your view on life is so uncomplicated, so black and white, but it's not always that simple. I married Joel because I loved him, I still do, I probably always will."

"That doesn't make sense." I could see in his eyes he was trying to understand, but as his expression formed into a perplexed frown I knew I needed to elaborate further.

"He deserved better, he needed someone to love him the way Katie loves you, I guess what I'm trying to say is he needed someone to love him wholeheartedly, I just couldn't give him that, and nobody should be expected to live that way, living a half life of sorts." He still looked confused. "Okay" I sighed heavily, "I suppose if I'm honest I'm scared, and so no matter how hard I tried there was always a part of me I held back, I subconsciously protected myself from being hurt again." I shrugged hoping he would finally understand.

"I never realised how much Daniel hurt you." That confused look was back again.

"Yes what happened with Daniel took me a long time to get over, but he's not the reason I am the way I am, he didn't help but he's not the reason." I shook my head at him slowly before swallowing hard and continuing. "My mum has been dead for more than half my life Chris, and if I'm honest I'm not sure if my memories of her are real or if they are stories I have heard from my family. Her death was unbearable, but I was a child, and kids are resilient, we move on, we get on with our own lives. But even after all these years there are times when I look at my dad and I can see the pain and grief etched on his face and it breaks my heart to know he still misses her as much today as he did the day he lost her. Their love for each other was all consuming; I just don't think I could ever be strong enough to survive a loss like that, so I presume it's like my head telling my heart to keep a bit back, my insurance policy." I was amazed at how easy Chris was to talk to, either I'd been selling short all these years or I'd had far too much to drink.