A Beast's Heart (english version)

31.

Weeks of silence passed. I limited my conversations to the most necessary and even when I read in the evenings, I practised more silent reading. I had withdrawn again and hid myself from everyone.
Then one morning as I was putting Tywin's breakfast down, he suddenly grabbed me by the elbow and held me next to him.
"You hardly talk anymore, Lena. Why?"
"Do you wish to converse, my lord?", I replied monotonously, and he nodded.
"Yes."
"I will call soldiers to converse with you," I then said tersely and tried to break away, but his grip was steely. It hurt a little already, the way his fingers dug into my arm, but I hardly cared.
Minutes seemed to pass as we looked at each other silently until he finally released my arm and gestured to the chair beside him with a nod of his head.
"Sit down."
With a quiet resigned snort, I took a seat beside him and stared at the table. I wanted to leave, wanted to escape his probing gaze that seemed to eat through me.
But he kept me with him.
"Why don't you speak anymore?" he asked again and I shrugged.
"Why should I speak when I have nothing to say?"
"You're hurt."
I looked at him confused, then down at myself. Where should I be hurt?
"Not on your body," he clarified, continuing to look at me piercingly, "I see it in your eyes. Until a few weeks ago there was such a little glow in them, now they are empty. Why?"
I couldn't answer that. I was willing to scream my pain in his face. To tell him how much I loathed him, how much I loathed all of this. How much I missed my family. But I kept silent. It was better that way.
My eyes met his again, but this time I was just as attentive. His eyes looked tired and sunken, no wonder when he was still working half the night. Only a spark of curiosity flickered in the deep blue, otherwise there was nothing. He could hardly understand what I was feeling.
"I can't explain it. And I'm sure you wouldn't understand."
My voice was low and brittle. But he seemed to have understood every word, for an animalistic glare entered his eyes and his voice resembled an angry snarl.
"I wouldn't understand," he repeated with a low snort and I automatically got a tiny bit smaller, "What do you know? I hardly think you understand anything yourself! Have you ever felt deep, unconditional infinite love for someone? Have you sworn to protect that person with your life and then lost them? No? Well, I have! She was my everything, my Joanna! Such a beauty, through and through! The most beautiful woman in all the Seven Kingdoms! I would have laid the world at her feet, gods know! But she died and there was nothing I could do. I, Tywin Lannister, had to watch her die, watch her hand go limp in mine. And all I was left with was that miserable, spiteful little creature! So don't you tell me I don't know anything about pain!"
As he spoke, his voice had gained life and excitement. He became louder and louder, his hands clenched into fists so that his knuckles stood out white. I shrank more and more into myself, fearing his rage that was slowly but surely revealing itself to me. But in myself, the hatred of the last few weeks was also building up and that made me strong again. I lifted my chin a little, my measure was finally full now.
"I don't know what it's like to lose the love of your life. I only know what it's like to lose your family. I hardly think your family was brutally murdered in front of you when you were a young boy, on the contrary. What was it again, your famous song? The Rains of Castamere? You were the one who had a family simply slaughtered! You know nothing of this pain!"
Now I had thrown it in his face after all, had lost my control. I stared at him for a moment, perplexed, then widened my eyes.
"My lord, forgive me, I-"
"Out."
His voice was cold as ice and deadly quiet. His eyes spat blue fire again and his jaws ground. I started again and heard him roar.
"OUT!"
I gulped and jumped up, immediately running for the door, not even daring to turn around again.

~~~

How in all seven hells did she dare!!! I should have executed her for such audacity! How could I have allowed her to speak to me like that?
Calm down, Tywin, focus!
I squinted my eyes and massaged my nose bone with a sigh. It was very indecent behaviour, but on the other hand, executing her would be a waste of good work potential, so I decided against it.
Besides, I had also lost control of myself. How long had it been since such an outburst in the presence of others? Too long for me to remember.
I forced myself to calm down and stared at the table. I wouldn't kill her for it, I wasn't that cruel after all. But the last word was definitely not spoken yet, that much was certain!
Again that feeling of loneliness came up in me. Telling about Joanna had cost me a lot of energy. Strength that I actually needed for distraction. I couldn't stay alone any longer, I urgently needed to find some company. The pain was almost unbearable, maybe someone else could distract me from it. I had had enough of the recurring nightmares and the persistent pain in my chest....