A Beast's Heart (english version)

45.

Kevan stayed with his brother for a long time. I had retired to the kitchen tent and was helping to scrub the pots, when suddenly Ser Alrik stuck his head into the tent. I had asked him to let me know when the lion was alone again.
"Ser Kevan retires."
I nodded at him gratefully, leaving the pot with the others and taking a deep breath. I couldn't let this stand between us forever. And if I listened to my gut, I couldn't handle it either. This disappointed silence on his part felt much sharper than any of his words before. I hoped my apology would make him talk to me again.
Even though I hadn't the faintest idea what to say to him.
I had been thinking about it all last night and all day today, but I hadn't come to any conclusion. Besides, I had inwardly hoped that he would see past my stupidity of his own accord - as he had always done at Harrenhal. I had dismissed it as a triviality, not important for what followed.
But this time the mistake was too big. This time there were consequences. Justified consequences, which I now had to face. That was the only way I was brought up at an early age and I would stick to it. I had run away all these years and now I had to spoon out the soup I had started, willy-nilly.
Of course, it would have been easier if he hadn't accompanied me. On the other hand, he would probably never have recognised the intensity behind it. The motives for my hatred, for my constantly grim expression.
If he had understood them.
A little uncertainly, I made my way to his tent, my thoughts literally racing. How would he react? How would he behave afterwards? I hoped he would speak to me more gently again. Although...he was also allowed to be harsh with me again. Gruff and cold, the main thing was that I no longer had to endure this miserable silence!
Ser Kevan didn't think Tywin hated me. But something like that must have been triggered in him by my stupidity. Tywin Lannister would not be provoked with impunity. I had learned that at Harrenhal and experienced it several times. If he threatened to execute me, if he raised his voice to a roar at me, I didn't care. It would make me happy. It was still better than this painful silence.
Tywin was taking a sip of wine when I entered his tent. Immediately his gaze was on me as he waved his goblet in a circular motion.
"Lena. I was about to send for you. Sit down, we have to talk."
Even those few words were a balm to me. Even if the contents were distinctly less to my liking and stoked the panic within me. I indicated a curtsy, as I often did, and cautiously took a seat in the chair opposite him.
"Lord Tywin, I...um," I began, looking down at the floor angrily at my inability to speak. I ran a hand through my short hair and looked at the grass at our feet. Wet it felt through the holes in my leather sandals, soaked by rain. It relaxed me a little, but still not enough to speak. Now pull yourself together, I scolded myself. Open your mouth and apologise.
I looked up at him again, met his scrutinising gaze and faltered. If looks could be weapons, his would probably have been the strongest and sharpest. I swallowed hard, then curled my fingers into my thighs and forced myself to speak.
"Lord Tywin, I must...apologise to you. I have-"
This time it was he who interrupted me. Silently, he raised his hand and I immediately fell silent.
"I have acted like a fool. A poor excuse, I know. Lannisters do not act like fools. But it is a fact. I am the one who must apologise. You lost people who meant the world to you. And at a very early age. You blamed a man who gives orders to the perpetrators. From what they say about me, this is also very obvious. Your loyalty is remarkable and I am sure you would have fought if given the chance. I saw that in your face the first time you made a fire and I asked you about your father. I have a certain admiration for you and for that very reason it is actually unforgivable how I have treated you since that incident. You actually deserve understanding and it angers me beyond measure that I have mustered it too late."
I stared at the lord in front of me for a very long time, blinking several times in uncomprehension. Had he just seriously apologised to me! He, of whom so much evil had been spoken. He whose bestial nature could subjugate the world if he wanted to. He, Tywin Lannister, the Lord of Casterly Rock.
I swallowed hard before shaking my head vehemently.
"You need not apologise, my lord. You are not a fool, I am. An idiot. I should have guessed that you had nothing to do with it. Otherwise you might not have asked about them."
He stroked his beard thoughtfully. A gesture that inevitably warmed my broken heart a little because it seemed so familiar. So many times before he had done this during our conversations, I had become used to it.
"You are wise, Lena. But we all make mistakes, including me."
"If it is convenient, my lord, I would very much like to keep quiet about it in the future."
"I agree. Your tone is adapting more and more to that required by life at court. You are indeed learning very quickly."
He lapsed into a brief silence while a stone fell from my heart. So he had forgiven me after all....