A Beast's Heart (english version)

43.

I walked through the small paths between the tents with my head down. That's why I didn't see the man who had just come out of Tywin's tent and crashed into him head-on. I crashed to the ground, everything seemed to be going wrong today.
"Sorry, I didn't see you," I heard Kevan's soft voice and looked up at him, startled.
"Seven hells, Lord Kevan! I beg your forgiveness, it was my fault! I did not see you."
I heard him laugh softly before he held out his hand and helped me up.
"As long as you didn't hurt yourself, you're fine. And I am Ser Kevan. My brother Tywin is Lord of Casterly Rock, not I."
"Then Ser Kevan... My apologies again."
"It's all right. Did you hurt yourself?"
I shook my head. Somehow I liked Tywin's brother now. He looked older, even if he wasn't, but much friendlier. I didn't like to imagine how Tywin would have reacted in this situation.
I wanted to step aside, but the Lannister's gaze remained on me.
"I would have to ask you something. Would you like to come with me for a bit?"
I looked up at him and swallowed. Was it because of Tywin? Had the latter told him about my accusations? What would happen now? Was Kevan not as loving as he made it seem after all?
I followed him with my head down. We walked a few steps side by side in silence until there was no one around us.
"What did you do to my brother earlier?"
His tone was gentle and curious. Not at all angry or suspicious. He really did seem the complete opposite of Tywin.
"Well, I...we had a conversation once about my past and...in the marketplace nearby it had taken place. I wanted, no, I needed to go there again."
Was I supposed to tell him what had happened? Tywin seemed to have told him nothing.
Almost as if in answer to my question, he looked at me questioningly.
"Could you elaborate a bit? You don't have to expand on it much either, it's not really any of my business, but it still needs to be a little more specific."
I took a deep breath. What else did I have to lose?
"When I was younger, two soldiers from your army killed my family. I showed Lord Tywin that very place and well, how shall I put it? The rage that had been building up for years came up again in me. And in my rage I accused your high lord brother of having given the order. I hadn't thought about it and I wanted to apologise, but he didn't seem to want to hear it."
Ashamed, I looked at the grass while Kevan remained silent for a while. When I looked to him again, he eyed me with a hint of a smile. He snorted in amusement.
"You two are quite alike, now that I listen to it," he turned serious, "Which doesn't excuse your family's death, of course. But when...Joanna died, Tywin reacted the same way. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
I nodded slightly.
"He told me about it, yes."
"The anger has been building up in him for many years too. What's more, he's always been a rather bad fellow, always serious and almost humourless. He is not well disposed towards Tyrion, as all of Westeros probably knows by now. And what you just told me reminds me a lot of this situation."
I looked up. So Tywin and I really should have something in common?
"Do you think he hates me now?"
Kevan laughed. An honest laugh. I felt a bit stupid and he explained his outburst.
"Sorry about that. I've known him all his life. Of course I can't see into his head, but I think you'd know if he hated you. You probably wouldn't be alive by then."
I instinctively grabbed my throat and swallowed. Kevan tapped me reassuringly on the shoulder before continuing.
"And do you hate him?"
I shook my head.
"Not any more. At first I hated him. I couldn't cope with his cold manner, I felt uncomfortable with him. Especially since I myself was more cold and withdrawn. Then of course there was the thought of my family..."
Kevan nodded, a spark of compassion glowing in his eyes.
"Of course, when Tywin fell ill with his fever, I inquired of him more than once. Once I saw you both asleep, you leaning against the bedpost in the corner and he under the covers. I think you left traces with him because, among other things, your name was mentioned once when he spoke in his sleep. Your name is Lena, isn't it?"
I stared at the Lannister for a long moment and nodded slightly. Tywin had dreamed of me? He couldn't be serious!
"You must have misheard. Or he was dreaming of the dreadful thyme tea he was forced to drink thanks to me."
"Only the gods know what he dreamed. Nor should we ask him further about it; he never speaks of his dreams. Nevertheless, he owes his life to you. And he knows that too."
We walked on while it began to rain. Finally feeling the rain again felt good. Especially now that I was hearing so many confusing things.
"I can't tell you exactly what upset him earlier. Maybe it wasn't you at all, only he knows. The best thing is to ask him about it again tomorrow. In a quiet minute. It'll work itself out, believe me."
I felt confidence in Kevan. I nodded and looked at him gratefully.
"Thank you so much, Ser Kevan. You take away some of my fear."
"I am glad to hear that. So, but now I too would like to lie down. The day has been long and we still have a battle ahead of us. Seek shelter from the rain! Don't get sick yet."
I bowed my head before him and he disappeared into his tent, smiling. I raised my face to the sky and enjoyed the rain for a moment. Then slowly my feet started to move and I looked for the servants' tent. For once I forgot to think and began to hum softly.
"And who are you, the proud lord said, that I must bow so low? Only a cat in a different coat, that's all the truth I know!"...