A Beast's Heart (english version)

51.

My nightmares changed. My dying family faded into the background, now every night I saw Tywin leaving me behind, never to return. Each time I clearly felt the pain in my chest. I felt like I was suffocating, it hurt so much. Especially as there was nothing I could do to change his mind.
Drenched in sweat, I awoke and looked around hastily. I had been given a small room, close to the kitchen. Still bigger than my room at Harrenhal. I could hear the clatter of pots and the voices of the maids. Still, it was completely different from Harrenhal. I wondered how Margaret was now. Would I keep my promise and ever see her again?
Slowly and carefully I slipped out of my bed. I could already walk on my own again, the fever had also disappeared.
A hard knock on the door startled me.
"The king wants to see you! Get ready, I'll wait here until then I'll take you to him," a man's voice rang out, probably a soldier.
I swallowed and examined the fresh clothes on the small table, next to a bowl of water. When had all this been brought to me? I hadn't noticed.
I quickly got ready and then opened the door. A soldier was indeed standing in front of me, his face hidden under his helmet.
"Are you ready?"
I just nodded and let him lead me down many corridors to a huge double door. Tywin was already sitting there on his white horse in shining armour. I hadn't seen him since our conversation outside. He looked as cold and hard as ever. And what gave me a nasty sting: he didn't dignify me with a glance.
I stood beside his horse and looked up at him. I must have done something wrong for him to suddenly act so dismissive. But what?
"Well, you look very well," I ventured, but he remained silent as if I had said nothing. Sadly, I bowed my head and the doors slowly opened. Tywin spurred his horse, I responded. Together we walked the path to the Iron Throne at the end of the hall. I had only ever heard of this special chair made of swords and would never have dreamed of actually seeing it. On it sat a young man about my age.
"I, Joffrey of House Baratheon, first of my name, rightful King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm do hereby proclaim my grandfather Tywin Lannister as Saviour of the City and Hand of the King."
A lanky man came running up and handed Tywin a golden badge. He sat soulfully in his saddle, looked down with dignity at his grandson and actually gave me a very brief glance as well before accepting the badge, eyeing it critically for a moment and then bowing his head before the king.
"Thank you, Your Grace."
He was about to turn his horse around when King Joffrey raised his hand.
"Who then is my grandfather's saviour? They say she saved him from death and nearly died in his stead. What is your name?"
I felt that all eyes were now on me. The blonde woman at the king's side leaned forward tensely. She was indescribably beautiful and seemed so flawless. This had to be Tywin's daughter, Cersei. The Queen.
"I...my name is Lena....Your Majesty."
"How is it that you found your way onto the battlefield? Normally women have no business there, after all."
Quiet laughter and approving whispers passed through the ranks behind me and I glanced briefly at Tywin to find renewed strength to answer. Panic rose in me. I felt as if I were on a platter.
"I accompanied your Lord Grandfather of Harrenhal here, Your Grace. And I disobeyed his orders to hide while he fought bravely outside."
"Still wondering how you came to that decision, dear child," a balding man spoke now, his eyes twinkling curiously. Except for Tywin, I distrusted everyone in this room. I didn't want to tell them my motives, in the end the laughter would only have been louder.
Suddenly I recognised the somewhat lankier man next to the bald one. Lord Baelish!
"Probably a purely spontaneous decision, made solely by panic. Isn't it?"
He seemed to recognise me too, for his eyes twinkled briefly. I swallowed and nodded. Now King Joffrey spoke again.
"Be it so. You saved my grandfather and I am indebted to you. We all are. If you have a wish, make it now. As long as it is in my power, I will grant it."
All eyes still seemed to pierce me. I could possibly have wished for anything now. Gold or perhaps even lands, I didn't know. But none of that mattered to me. My family was dead and my only clue was sitting next to me in his saddle. I met his gaze briefly, he seemed to be waiting for me to wish for a new home. Just as he had planned. But this time I would not make that mistake. I didn't want to leave him, no matter how he felt about it.
"If it is possible, Your Grace...so I would like to continue my service as Lord Tywin's aide."
A surprised murmur went through the crowd, Tywin stared at me as if I were from another world. The king seemed puzzled too, but he finally nodded.
"Unusual. But if that is your wish, then so be it. You may continue your service as his maid."
Tywin tightened the reins.
"Come with me," he hissed to me and together we turned back, leaving the throne room under hundreds of stares. He seemed angry.
When his horse had been led away, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me behind him.
"You and I are going to have a talk!"
He led me back to the small beach behind the castle. His grip on my wrist was hard as steel.
"Tywin, that hurts," I complained. His eyes seemed to spark as he turned to me. Then he roared at me.
"So, that hurts you, does it? You know what hurts me? DO YOU KNOW?"
I looked at him dumbly, automatically growing smaller. He was in a rage, just kept talking.
"I had resigned myself to you leaving me! That you were going to go your own way from now on because I can't give you what you want. And then suddenly you say in front of the entire court that you want to stay by my side? Explain that to me!"
His face slowly turned dark red, looming menacingly over me. I swallowed, desperate for words. It had to be now. Plainly and clearly I had to tell him now how I felt about him. No matter if he ignored me for the rest of my life.
"Although I could have fled, I stayed. Although I detested you at the time, I helped you out of your fever. And though you commanded me otherwise, I followed you to the battlefield and almost died for you. Seven hells, I love you, Tywin! I cannot bear to leave you! You say you want a good home for me," in my fury I seized his hands, squeezing them tightly, "Then don't send me away! This is where I belong, with you! Nowhere else will I ever again experience these feelings that have been with me for some time now. And if you punish me for it now with silence, then please do so. I can live with it, for I may still linger near you. That is all I still want."
Before I knew it, he had pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me....