A Beast's Heart (english version)

42.

I stared at the night sky for a long time, searching for suitable words to apologise. But nothing clever came of it, no matter how hard I tried. I regretted yelling at Lord Tywin. He had wanted to comfort me in some way and how did I repay him? By blaming him. I had failed him and it showed.
Tywin looked even grimmer than usual. Had I hurt him that much? Perhaps in his pride, a voice inside me said. Where else could he be offended?
I was sure I knew how to offend him in other ways. He himself had told me about it once, about his beloved wife who had died. He was hurting, carrying the pain of loss with him every day. Just like you, I heard Father's voice in my head again. And then you rub salt into his wounds too! You should be ashamed of yourself!
And so I did. I was ashamed to the core, I didn't even dare to look at him. It wasn't just me who had a hard time and I had now understood that. I must have been really slow on the uptake, because I always seemed to realise everything only when it was too late. I wonder if he ever forgave me for that. I didn't want him to hate me. My hatred towards him had also diminished considerably during the many weeks at Harrenhal. By now, at the latest, I had learned that I could not lump them all together. There were soldiers and lords, the actual Lannisters. How could I be so completely stupid and blame everyone equally? It had only been the two soldiers who had apparently acted on their own. And I saw that now. Much too late, of course. Tywin didn't look like he was going to forgive me for that....

~~~

Jaws grinding, I looked forward ironically. How could Lena think of me like that? Sometimes I was very hard on her, yes. However, it had always been deserved and justified! But a simple working-class family from the Riverlands, with whom I had so little in common? No, never!
Lena looked alternately at the sky and at her hands, looking thoughtful. It's better that way, I thought, suppressing an angry snort. Let her think long and hard about what she has done! Perhaps I really should be so cruel for once and teach her a lesson? No, Tywin, concentrate on the battle ahead! She seems to hate you, deal with it. Just ignore it, like you always do.
But I couldn't ignore it. Her words had felt like a sharp knife, they hurt immensely. So this was the thanks I got for what I did for her? I taught her to read, I showed her how to use the sword. I had seen in the window then exactly what Ser Almory Lorch had planned for her. I would have liked to impale him on the walls of Harrenhals myself. But why did I harbour these thoughts, why did I allow myself to sympathise with her? She hated me, hated us all. If I had learned one thing about Lena, it was this: She remained unshakeable in her opinion. And that was exactly what I liked about her.
It was getting darker and darker and the moon was disappearing behind the clouds. The journey was getting harder and so I finally turned to my brother.
"Kevan, we should set up camp soon, don't you think?"
"I asked you to do that earlier, Tywin."
"Oh, did you?"
I was confused. I couldn't remember, it must have slipped my mind.
"Yes, I did. But you were rock solidly convinced to ride through the night."
"Very well, I have changed my mind. Let's get the tents pitched and the horses fed."
"There is a small stream just ahead," Lena suddenly interjected. I gave her a nasty look and she immediately lowered her head.
"Excuse me."
"Thank you for the information, girl," Kevan replied softly with a slight smile and I suppressed a snort. My younger brother had always been gentler than me. Actually, each of my siblings was gentler than me.
I saw Lena's minimal smile and I got off the horse. I couldn't stand it any longer...

Later, Kevan joined me in the tent. I looked up from the pile of letters in front of me and eyed my brother.
"You questioned my authority, brother."
"Did I?" he replied, confused, sitting down opposite me, "When did I?"
"You know perfectly well. Servants are not to interfere in our conversations. We are the commanders, not them. It makes us look weak, especially in our own ranks."
"YOU are the commander here, I am only your most trusted and closest advisor. And as that same advisor, I must tell you that you exaggerate, Tywin. She only gave you one piece of information. One piece of information for our benefit. And you are literally impaling her with your gaze."
I snorted and averted my eyes.
"I'm not too fond of her, you must know."
"I've noticed that, I'm not stupid. Ever since you two got back from your little excursion, you've been back to yourself. I wondered what had been going on."
Again I snorted. I wouldn't tell him. No one would know about me allowing this weakness!
"You can continue to wonder that. I'm too busy to prattle on about trivialities like a fishwife from Lannisport. So if there's nothing more important, I'd like to keep going through the letters here."
My brother smirked slightly.
"I can just ask her, too."
"Be careful," I growled suddenly, glaring angrily at him, "You're my brother and I'm very fond of you, but watch what you're doing."
"Of course, MYLORD," he pointed out deliberately and rose, "Then I will trouble you no further. Good night."
Formally, we really only spoke to each other officially in front of others. Between us he always did so for affectionate provocation, as he himself had once explained.
I sighed and pulled up the next letter. Actually, he was right. Nevertheless, Lena had not been entitled to this comment! And she should feel that, as well as my anger....