A Beast's Heart (english version)

32.

All day long I didn't dare leave my room. I had crawled onto my small bed and stared at the door in panic. I was afraid the lion would come in and extend its claws. My behaviour could be punished by death, I knew that. I hadn't really thought it would come over me like that either. It was not my place to judge him and his actions. I had just made perhaps the most important mistake of my life.
I ruffled my hair and sighed softly. You're not the only one suffering, Lena, a voice inside me said. Did you hear what he said?
Of course I had listened to him. However, I couldn't really believe it. Lord Tywin Lannister did not strike me in the least as a caring, loving man.
Ask yourself why, the voice spoke again and I was sure it sounded like my father. Lord Tywin is deeply hurt. Just as you are. He doesn't smile, neither do you. Why do you think he is so cold and serious? You speak of yourself as a beast, as well as him. How did your inner beast come to be? Think about it carefully. And then ask yourself how he could become what he is today.
I took a deep breath. It all made sense somehow.
Suddenly I felt miserable. I had known nothing of his suffering and had added salt to his wounds.
But he did the same to me, I thought bitterly and got up. I paced up and down in my room, thinking feverishly. What would happen now? What could I do? I could only ask for forgiveness. But would that be enough? Or was I allowed to listen to my death sentence?
Thousands of questions raged in my head, while outside I could already see the sun disappearing behind the castle walls. I couldn't hide in here forever, that much was certain. And that's not how I was brought up either.
You have to stand by your actions, my mother had always told me.
And that's exactly what I would do now!
So with the night growing, I crept outside into the hallway and from there into Lord Tywin's tower. Would he send me away again immediately? He had not once sent for me.
I knocked on the closed door. Quietly and timidly, almost fearfully. I trembled inevitably, the tension seemed palpable in the air. Very slowly, taking a deep breath, I pushed down the ice-cold handle, then entered even more slowly.
"Lord Tywin?"
My voice was brittle, almost toneless. Confusion welled up in me as I found his study empty. Instead, the door to his bedchamber was open. I entered as silently as possible and pushed the door shut. I could hear soft voices coming from the bedroom. His deep voice and another. A female one.
I froze and took a few more steps closer to the second door. The female voice giggled and I was in shock when I recognised Jeanny's voice. What in all seven hells was she doing with Lord Tywin?!
Behind me the sun sank, dragging the last light of the day with it. From the lion's bedchamber, more and more a luminous glow emerged, spreading faintly across the threshold. Candlelight. I retreated into the saving shadows and waited in silence. I could not understand the situation. What did Jeanny want with him?
It doesn't really matter to you, I thought. She was probably just waiting for that.
Strangely enough, I did care. I didn't like the rustling that came to me quietly. The rustling of clothes being thrown to the floor. And this quiet, indefinable sighing. It really disgusted me! I wanted to leave, but my feet could not move. I had to stop and listen to Jeanny sighing Tywin's name. Louder and louder, more and more guttural. And his low, deep murmur, which I couldn't understand. Inevitably, my hands clenched into fists and I increasingly felt I had to intervene. I wanted to confront her, drag her out of his chamber. He was a lord, she a kitchen maid. And a whore, I thought with a disgusted shudder. She had no business being with him!
On the other hand...that seemed to be exactly what he wanted. Only this morning he had told me about his unconditional love for Joanna and now he was sharing his bed with a kitchen maid? Oh yes, he must really be suffering!
I rolled my eyes slightly. He was a man, what did one expect?
I had to concentrate more and more not to lose control. I squeezed my eyes shut, at last life was coming back to my feet. I had to get out of here!
I crept to the door and slipped out, then quickly took the stairs and hurried through the corridors of the castle. In a dark corner just outside the kitchen I stopped, panting softly and completely confused. It was all too much for me.
A short while later I heard hurried footsteps and soon saw Jeanny, completely dishevelled, rushing past me with a panicked look on her face. That was quicker than I had thought. Had something happened between the two of them? I hoped so. I caught myself wishing he had shouted at her and thrown her out. But why? Why couldn't I deal with it? Why did I care, why did it disgust me so? What was suddenly wrong with me?...