☄︎ ⋆·˚ ⋆ *. ⇒ 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞
𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋
The world hasn't planned for us, the universe doesn't want us together and I think it's foolish to ignore that"
"Stars will fall before I let that ruin everything I've hoped for"
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Est...
song for this chapter Something in the way - Nirvana
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EVERY DEACDE BROUGHT a new experience of pain with it. The world was a terribly dark place, Estella started to feel that her monstrous characteristics only made her blend into the shadows of the earth. Murders, wars, riots, suffering, inequality, slavery, poverty, floods, fires, storms, ignorance.
She never really accepted what she was. Animals littered graves of her own creation. Deers, bears and even mountain lions. The blood wasn't as satisfying as it had been when she'd killed that human yet she relished in the way that her eyes turned a soft amber. Just like his had been.
Estella couldn't answer why she still wore the star pendant around her neck. Every time she saw it, only bad thoughts filled her head, swarming her mind. She had once hoped that no matter what happened to her, she would have the memories of her love to carry her through it. She had believed she would be grateful for the time that her and Carlisle had spent together. Yet now she only wondered what life would have been like if she'd turned down his offer to dance, if she hadn't seen the beauty in his dark eyes, if she hadn't been so naive.
Yet the star remained, over her non-beating heart. It was like a reminder, a horribly painful reminder. Maybe she left it there as a token of her past life, one of the last things that had given her feeling before she felt like a walking ghost. Estella liked to say that it was a sign for her to forget love, to resent it. Estella wished she'd stuck with her original thoughts of the sickness. That's all it was, something that ripped apart peoples senses and made them oblivious to the horror that really swirled them.
However the truth was that Estella didn't want to forget him. Even if she had thrown the pendant in the deepest ocean, she would have still had his face burnt in her mind. After all she was only the walking ghost, the living monster because of him. How could she forget that? How could she leave that behind her.
Estella didn't like to admit that she still cared for the piece of jewellery. She missed the feeling of love just as much as she missed the life she had lived. It was put a reminder of pain, or a sign of her stupidity and sickness. It was a last hope that she'd had something worth pain. It didn't often feel that way, nothing could be worth this. But at some point she would've risked everything for Carlisle.
Living off animals felt right. She wanted to save herself even if she was already past being gone. Estella wasn't sure whether she'd ever meet an end, something she longed for it but other times she felt she should kept fighting. The phrase 'there's always light at the end of the tunnel' felt stupid and worthless at times but at others it was the only thing that kept her going.
Estella had never understood the feeling of being completely and utterly alone until she'd been changed. Before she enjoyed keeping her own company, she liked shutting herself in her room and ignoring every beckon, every call. Now she just wanted someone to talk to. Part of her wanted to go searching for Carlisle but she knew that would be a mistake. There was no telling what she would do when she found him. Estella didn't necessarily want to kill him but she believed seeing him would be too much for her and this anger that had taken refuge inside of her.
