Marvel Women One Shots

Guilt - Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: Angst??? idk

I walked out the Quinjet and onto the landing pad, silently praying that everyone in the compound would be asleep. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to someone about my most recent mission. It was well past midnight, so the possibility of everyone sleeping wasn't too crazy of an idea. But there was one person who I knew would be up, waiting.

Entering the compound living room, there she was, just like I thought she would be. My girlfriend, curled up on a couch with a book in hand, with her flaming red hair pulled back into a loose bun.

She looked up when she heard me come through the door.

"Hi baby, welcome back." Natasha said in a happy voice as she got up and made her way over to me.

I just stood there, too numb and tired to muster a response. She immediately saw this when she came closer to me.

"What's wrong?" she asked, gently placing a hand on my cheek, taking in all the grime and pain that covered my face.

"I don't wanna talk about it." I mumbled, pulling Natasha into a hug, which she returned.

It wasn't that I don't trust her, because I trust her with my life. It's just that I don't want to relive my failures. I hope she wouldn't take my response the wrong way.

"Let's get you cleaned up and changed and into bed." she told me as we both pulled out of the hug.

We make our way upstairs to our shared room. I take out a pair of comfortable clothes and set them in the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I begin to stare at my reflection. Several small cuts line my face and neck along with a layer of dirt and sweat that covers me from head to toe, also coating my combat suit that I'm still wearing.

Flashes and memories of my most recent mission play on my mind, consuming every thought of mine. Graphic images of the destruction I had been surrounded by were burned into my eyes, never fading. I wish I could time travel so I could fix all the mistakes I made on this assignment. Or maybe I was just wishing for a way to forget about it. Either way wouldn't solve my troubles, the guilt that was dragging my heart down.

Natasha appeared at my side, wrapping her arms around my waist and eyeing me with concern. She knew that if something was bothering me, I would come to her when I was ready. She would rarely pushed me to talk to her about personal things, and I was grateful for that, especially right now.

"Do you want me to join you or do you want some time alone?" Natasha offered, breaking the silence between us and pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I'd prefer to be alone. I'll be out in about fifteen minutes." I replied quietly, now gazing down at the floor.

Natasha nodded and turned to leave, closing the bathroom door behind her.

I sighed, really just wanting to go to sleep, but I knew a shower would be a good idea.

Turning on the shower, I peeled off my suit and hopped in. I let the hot water flow all over my body, savoring the warmth it brought me. I washed myself and my hair, then jumped out. I dried off and pulled on my pjs and brushed through my hair.

Emerging from the bathroom, Natasha looked up from her spot in bed and smiled lightly at me.

"Want me to braid your hair?" she offered after taking one look at my wet, free-flowing hair. I just nodded in response and sat down next to her.

She repositioned herself and began working on my hair, parting it down the middle to make two braids. The gentle feeling of Natasha's fingers moving through my hair brought me a new sense of calm, one I hadn't felt in a long time.

"What's going on, bubs?" she asked, finishing off the first braid and moving onto the second, bringing me out of my sense of serenity for a moment.

I looked down at my hands, hesitating. I wanted to tell her about the mission, but I didn't want her to offer help. This was something that made me not want to feel better about it. But I knew better than to ignore Natasha's metaphorical olive-branch of help.

"The mission today...it went south and a lot of people were hurt." I swallowed hard before continuing, "People were killed. I could have done more to try and save them. If I had just tried harder then maybe those people would still be alive."

I knew I hadn't directly killed those people, but I was there as an Avenger to help with the situation. I should have saved those people, but I didn't. I failed at my job and it cost people their lives.

"Y/n...you can't save everyone." Natasha started, trying her best to make me feel better.

"Please don't." I whispered.

"Don't what?"

"Don't try to make me feel better about this. I don't deserve it. There are people dead because of me, and I could have done something about it." I snapped. It was weird, I hated snapping at Natasha and I rarely ever did.

She always does so much for me and has always tried to make me feel better during these kinds of situations, and it feels like I'm just throwing her care back at her face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you." I apologized quietly, playing with my hands.

Natasha sighed and finished off the second braid.

"Look at me." she gently ordered.

I shifted and turned around on the bed, now looking at her with hot tears in my eyes. She didn't have any anger in her face. In fact she looked sympathetic. I knew she understood this life better than anyone and that she knew exactly what I was feeling.

"Listen to me. This life, this job, it's hard and it takes a toll. Sometimes that means that on missions, we fail. It's okay to fail, because it makes us human. It's impossible for one person to carry the weight of the entire world on their shoulders. No matter how hard anyone tires, we can't save everyone. All we can do is our best, and work hard to make sure people in the future are safe. I know you tried your best and your hardest, so don't go around trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders." Natasha spoke with a firm, but soothing tone.

Sometimes, I hate that she knows how to make me feel better. It didn't make the guilt I carried go away, but it made it bearable.

I crawled forward and wrapped myself and Natasha up into a hug, silently thanking her for her kindness. I don't exactly know where I would be without her.

She hugged me back, holding onto me tightly and tracing patterns on my back. That's when I let out a stifled yawn.

"Let's get some rest." Natasha suggested with a soft smile, guessing at how tired I really was. 

Letting go of each other only briefly, Natasha turned off the light and we both slid under the covers, holding onto the other once again.

"I love you, Nat." I whispered, burying my face in her chest.

"I love you too, y/n." she responded, pressing a gentle kiss on top of my head.