Marvel Women One Shots

You're still my love - Yelena Belova

Warnings: None

Hi, so I wrote this based off of my current reality where I am questioning my pronouns. I don't exactly have anyone in my life who I can talk to about stuff like this, so writing about it has kind of helped me think things through a bit.

I'm writing this so that maybe I can help others  who are questioning the same thing  feel no so alone. 

I love you all!

I watched the steam swirl around me as the hot water from the shower sent a few prickles throughout my skin. I sighed, enjoying the hot sensation as I turned around to face the water shooting out of the showerhead.

It had been a long day, and a hot shower was exactly what I needed to get my mind off things. I had done  my usual shift at work which had lasted around seven or eight hours. That wasn't what I was tired from. In reality, I was tired from my mind. It was just one of those days where I was stuck in my head and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.

I washed the remaining conditioner out of my hair and took one more moment to let the almost scalding water run down my body, savoring the last bits of heat before I switched off the shower.

The moment I stepped out of the shower, there was a knock at the door.

"Детка, are you almost done in there?" I heard Yelena ask, her voice muffled by the wood door.

"Yeah, I'll be done in a few minutes." I replied tiredly, snagging the towel off the bathroom counter and beginning to dry off my hair.

"You alright?" Yelena asked, this time a bit more concerned sounding.

I just hummed in response, moving to dry off my body. Steam from the shower was swirling around the bathroom, slowly dissipating and dancing around the different fixtures, finding purchase somewhere to land on and seep into.

Catching a slight glimpse of myself in the foggy mirror, I turned to look at myself, feeling unsure of what was staring back in the reflection.

I was having a bit of a crisis in my mind. Something had been bothering me for a while and I tried to never let myself be alone long enough to think about it. But right now, it was all I could think about.

I still remember how confused I felt when I was in high school and trying to figure out my sexuality and if I really was gay. That was a whole process that took a while, but I eventually figured it out and had come to terms with it. But this...this was another level of confusion for me.

In the bluntness of terms, I was having a gender crisis, questioning my pronouns. I was born female, always went by she/her, but now I was questioning. I was still fine with them, but they didn't feel totally right. They didn't feel like they fit me correctly. I know this sounds confusing, because it is.

I didn't feel comfortable in my own body right now, if that helps explain what the hell was going on.

I didn't like thinking about it because I was afraid that I was going to come to a conclusion that would disappoint everyone in my life. My parents had already had a bit of a negative reaction of my coming out as gay, I didn't want to have a repeat of that whenever I figured out my gender crisis. Plus, I didn't know how Yelena would react to it. I knew she loved me, and I loved her, but I didn't want her to hate me or leave me over this. I had no idea what her stance was on something like this, and I wasn't in the mood to find out the hard way.

I looked away from the mirror and shook my head, trying to get the thoughts of my current predicament out of my mind. Pulling on a pair of pajamas, which was really just a baggy t-shirt and a pair of shorts, I mentally readied myself to leave the solitude of the bathroom.