Marvel Women One Shots

Dealing with it - Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: talks of trauma, depression, self harm, and mentions of relapsing

I am so sorry for how depressing this is. I needed to vent a few days ago so this was the result.

Anyways, I hope yall had a good day and I love you guys :)

Turning off the stove top burner, I removed the tea kettle and poured the hot water into my mug. I watched as the tea bag slowly released its flavor, turning the water into tea. After stirring in a bit of sugar, I took my now steaming cup and sat down at the kitchen counter, plopping down on one of the bar stools.

Sighing, I pulled out my phone and picked up where I left off on my mindless scrolling. It was way past one in the morning, everyone was asleep in the compound, well everyone except me. I knew Natasha was among those sleeping.

Honestly, I wish I could sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. All day, it had seemed like everything was harder to deal with, like my mind was purposefully trying to drown me in bad memories and trauma. I have no idea why or what set this off, but I woke up this morning and everything just seemed gray and washed out, like the world and my memories had lost its importance and everything had just gone...dark.

Depression does wonders.

Taking a sip of my tea and scrolling through tiktok, I was honestly just trying to distract my mind so I wasn't thinking about everything, but for some reason it wasn't working. Everything seemed dull, and my usual remedies for this kind of predicament weren't working.

I just kept thinking of everything, about my parents, about my mental problems, about all the times I'd been hurt or hurt myself. Most days it'd just be on the back of my mind, there but not disruptive. Right now however, it just seemed harder to deal with, and part of me was just trying not to relapse. I was about eight months clean from self harming, and I didn't want to throw that away. But the act of doing it, the kind of messed up security it gives me, was so incredibly tempting.

Sighing, I turned off my phone and dropped it on the counter.

I just wanted to sleep.

I wanted everything to stop.

No...you know what I wanted?

A hug.

"Y/n?" A tired and raspy voice called from somewhere behind me.

Turning around, I found a very sleepy Natasha, her fiery red hair all messed up from sleep and her oversized t-shirt that she wore to bed was hanging off her shoulders. She honestly looked like the definition of "just rolled out of bed," because she actually had.

"Hey baby." I smiled, trying my best not to laugh at her sleepy state. I'm not sure what it was, but I always found sleepy Natasha hilarious and extremely cute.

She shuffled over and sat next to me, scooting her stool over so she could rest against me. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into me. Even this small bit of contact with my girlfriend made me feel a little more at peace, but it was not enough to make my mind quiet. My mind was still telling me to relapse, reminding me about everything.

"Why are you up?" she mumbled, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I couldn't sleep." I replied shortly, sipping my tea.

"Are you ok?" she asked, perking up and taking a look at me with either a concerned or confused look. I wasn't too sure.

I just hummed in response, locking my gaze on my hot drink and watched the steam waft upwards, evaporating into thin air. My response wasn't very convincing, even for me.

"Y/n...talk to me. I can tell the difference between when something is bothering you and when you just can't sleep." Natasha began rubbing my back, trying to get me open up.

I hate opening up, talking about myself. The act of doing so always made me feel like I was complaining about something that everyone else found easy to deal with. It made me think I was being too much and a burden on the person I was talking to. So many people in my life had even confirmed these insecurities, including my parents. In response I just sort of stopped talking to people. It wasn't until I met Natasha that I started to feel comfortable with the idea of letting someone in. I was still terrible at it, even after a year of dating, but I was a lot better than when we first met.

Hypothetically, say I did open up to her about what was bothering me. What would she even do? These were my demons and traumas to deal with and bear, not anyone else's. Most she could do was give me an encouraging word, and I doubted I'd even believe her if she said anything because I have no idea how to take positive affirmations.

But then again, it couldn't hurt to open up. I'd done it with her several times before, and she always found a way to help me out of the dark hole I had always seemed to have accidentally dug for myself.

Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes and shook my head, knowing that no matter how much internal debate I had about this, I'd open up to her sooner or later. And sooner might be the safer option.

"Do you ever get those days where...everything that's ever happened to you just seems more dreadful? Where every bad experience feels like the weight of the world, and at any moment it could crush you. Your mind is deathly silent, but at the same time screaming at you, bringing up old pains, yelling at you about all the shit you've had to deal with. I just-" Taking another deep breath, my eyes opened, revealing my gaze to be misty. I didn't want to cry over this. "I just want my brain to go quiet. I want peace, but my mind seems so determined to make everything washed out."

I'm not sure when I ended up in Natasha's arms, but I was glad I was when I started to cry. I had no control over it, my emotions just sort of spilled out, and it lifted a bit of the painful numbness that had seemed to settle on my mind.

"I know, baby. I know it's so hard on days like these where your mind is so overwhelming, but that's okay. You've been through a lot, seen a lot of shit and had a lot of shit happen to you. Everyone processes traumas in different ways, but it will get better. It's a part of healing, and I know it doesn't feel like that now, but trust me. You're healing, and you'll be better." Natasha's words seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew she was right, that it was a step of healing, maybe even an early step. My mind is sick, and just like when your body is healing from a cold or the flu, it still goes through symptoms which end when you're better. I just needed to wait, learn how to take care of myself and process things.

"I just want to relapse and make everything go away again." I gasped, clutching onto Natasha's arm that was wrapped across my front.

"You wanna know something? I'm proud of you." she whispered to me. 

If I wasn't already having an emotional breakdown, I sure as hell was now.

Four words. Those four goddamn words both hurt and helped at the same time, and I have no idea how. Maybe it was because barely anyone cared enough to say them to me before, or maybe it was because I needed to learn how to be proud of myself. I wasn't too sure, but I knew I needed to hear those four words from Natasha.

"I am so incredibly proud of you for how far you've come. Wanting to relapse is hard, and fighting to stay clean is just as hard. But fighting to stay clean is so worth it, and admitting that you're struggling, trusting in someone to help you, those are huge steps forward. I'm so proud of you for taking those steps." Natasha tightened her grip on me, almost crushing me in her hug but I didn't care. It felt nice.

She began to pepper my face with kisses, kissing my cheek and my forehead in the way that she always knew calmed me down.

I knew she was right, that asking for help and letting people in was a part of healing, even though the very idea of it made my skin crawl. I had, however, found my person, someone I knew I could trust and would never leave or hurt me.

"I love you, Tasha." I smiled, sniffling as I felt a few more tears fall.

"I love you, no matter what. I'll always be here to help you through the harder times." she kissed the top of my head before burying my head in the crook of her neck.

More time passed, and we just sat there, with Natasha holding me in a near bone crushing embrace, until she finally convinced me to come back to bed to try and get some sleep.