Swallow

Chapter 1.77:

One whole fucking week.

Seven days of pure unadulterated agony, trapped in an unrelenting loop of nothingness.

There was no end in sight. The stubborn blond had branded herself into every part of my body and was refusing to leave me be. Each millisecond that passed without Riley brought me closer to the brink of my madness. 

I scraped and scratched relentlessly at every memory, but I could never erase her completely. Scrubbing the remnants of her out of my life was tougher than I ever thought imaginable.

I attempted to hide away from everyone at the house as I struggled with letting her go. My room should have been my sanctuary, but it turned out to be my worst enemy.  The four walls were plotting against me. Everything I stared at reminded me of her—even the floor taunted me as I remembered her rolling around on it the first time she slept in my room.

It hurt so fucking much without her that I felt like I was being eaten from the inside out.

I tossed and turned for a few hours the first night. Riley's ghost haunted me in the dark, whispering acid-laced words into my ear.  The air around me grew muggy, heavy, and stifling. Even turning a fan full blast directly on my bare torso did nothing to eliminate the thin layer of sweat clinging to my skin. 

My hands were lost and kept tracing the side of the bed that now belonged to her. They were searching for Riley's softness to calm them.

She wasn't there and never would be again.

It had only been a few hours since we fought and I wasn't going to survive the night without her. I had to get away from this place before I caved in and found my way back to her again.

I couldn't break—I had to stay strong.

I drove to Sean's place at 2:00 AM and beat down his door until my battered fist bled.  He flicked on the porch light and cursed at me through the door for interrupting his scheduled rendevous with the infamous Cookie. 

At least he didn't turn me away. I couldn't take another door shut in my face, even if it was only Sean's.

I had already lost so much in such a short time.

I made myself at home in one of the empty rooms upstairs with the intention of tucking myself in for the night until the heaviness in my chest went away. 

One night turned into an entire week.

I couldn't pull myself up from the borrowed bed to do anything at all. There was no showering, no eating, and I was lucky to even get myself to use the bathroom.  The bare, stained mattress had adhered itself to my skin. 

I began to petrify and collect dust in the darkness.

Sean played the part of my dealer almost as well as my cousin Jake had done for years when I still lived in Indiana.  He supplied me with ample amounts of Xanax and Klonopin to dull my senses. I took enough to wipe out a small army and then drank down the duo with a bottle of Everclear, chased by a few gulps of Jack.

There was no point in trying to be better any longer when I had no purpose.

This was who I was now and who I was always meant to be—just another worthless junkie who tainted the world with his vile seed. I was born to infect and corrupt everything in my path.

And now Riley was carrying my disease.

My good 'ole dad would be so fucking proud of me.  

It took missing four consecutive days at work and two band practices before anyone even noticed I was missing.  JD and Mark both tried to contact me, wanting to know where the hell I was hiding.