This is War (War Series #3)

Chapter 41

#war3wp

Chapter 41

Guilt

Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay kong hawak-hawak ni Allon. His hand is a lot bigger than mine yet they seem to fit perfectly with each other. Ang may pagka-moreno niyang balat ay parang lalo lang naging moreno sa tabi ng akin.

Niluwagan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya kaya napatingin sa akin si Allon pero hinigpitan ko ulit 'yon bago ko inangat ang tingin sa mga mata niya. Allon stares at my eyes and I smile as I see the glimmer in them. Bumaba ang tingin ni Allon sa ngiti ko at naramdaman kong humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. 

Nakaupo kami sa hagdanan ng veranda, pinanonood ang magaang na buhos ng ulan. It's probably midnight already. Our hands are clasping one another for some time now.

"Hanani," he calls my name. Yumuko siya at isinandal ang noo sa balikat ko. 

I get a whiff of his hair's nice scent. Naramdaman ko ang pagpasada niya ng hinlalaki sa kamay ko at ang kakaibang tibok ng puso ko dahil doon.

"Can you tell me anything?" he asks.

I hum. "Like?"

"Anything."

Agad akong nag-isip. "How about. . . when I was younger, I wanted to be a fashion model?" I say and I chuckle. Allon snickers and I can't help but chuckle more. "But I am not fit to become one because I am not as skinny as the modeling standards need." Humigpit ang hawak ni Allon sa kamay ko. "What do you think?"

"If you become a model, maybe I will always feel restless," aniya at napangiti ako. "I don't want to be possessive. . . but I'm not too fond of it when other people look at you. I want to keep you."

"What if I really want to be a model?"

"I want you to have anything you want in life." His calm voice sounds soothing. Kalmado. Hindi masiyadong malakas pero hindi rin gano'n kahina. "If they make you happy, Hanani. Ayokong ilayo ka sa mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sa 'yo."

"You're lucky I didn't become one," I say. Umangat ang tingin ni Allon sa 'kin at nagtamang muli ang mga tingin naming dalawa. Puno ng tanong ang mga mata niya. "A model," dugtong ko.

A smirk curves on his lips. "Yes." Allon stares at my eyes for a couple of seconds. "Gusto mo pa rin bang magmodelo?"

Umiling ako. "My body is different now," nahihiyang sabi ko at tiningnan ang braso. 

Ever since I had Hanniel, my body changed. Tumaba ako at mas nagka-laman. It sometimes makes me insecure but I have to accept that there are things I can't take back. 

Natahimik kami. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay namin at hinahaplos pa rin ng hinlalaki niya ang hinlalaki ko. It's calming. 

"Ang ganda mo, Hanani," he mumbles and I raise my gaze to him again. Gumuhit ang maliit na ngiti sa mga labi niya at bumaba ang tingin niya sa mga labi ko bago tuluyang bumagsak 'yon sa mga kamay namin. "When your eyes glimmer, whenever you smile, whenever you blink slowly when you're confused with something, the way you give this small smile before you laugh as if you're trying to suppress it but fails miserably—everything is beautiful.

"You're all I ever wanted. . ." he continues to say and I feel a warm hand on my heart. "Whenever I lay my eyes on you, I keep on falling deeper. Even just holding you like this feels like a dream."

Parang pinipilipit ang puso ko sa sakit. Parang may mabigat na kamay na humahagod doon. Sobrang bigat na hindi ko magawang makahinga. But it's a pain I want to experience again and again. . . because it is a good kind of pain. Because it makes me painfully happy.